Beckham to help poor children have better hair

DAVID Beckham will donate his salary to disadvantaged children with unco-operative hair.

The new Paris Saint Germain player revealed he would earn no money playing for the French club side as he wanted to end the ‘scandal’ of  children under 10 without sculpting mousse.

He said: “I’ve realised that because football is obviously not a job, I shouldn’t really take any money for doing it.

“I accumulate the vast majority of my wealth by being professionally stylish. But it occurred to me there are still too many children who will never be able to afford most of the products I advertise. Especially the underpants.

“But that doesn’t mean they have to run around dirty back streets with unruly hair. I just want them to have access to the same gel and mousse as my children.

“Hopefully stylish hair will give them the confidence they need to lift themselves out of poverty and afford a pair of Police sunglasses.”

He added: “Perhaps one day I will meet one of these youngsters and he will look up at me and say ‘if it wasn’t for you Mr David, these Adidas trainers would be knock-offs’.”

Meanwhile, Beckham’s move has been welcomed by Parisian high society who find his wife’s fashion label incredibly amusing.


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Britain could move to a one-day week if everyone stopped dicking around

BRITISH workers could enjoy six days off per week if they could manage a single day of uninterrupted work, it has been claimed.

Researchers have cast the spotlight on why Britons now spend more time at work than before ‘technology’ was even a word.

Dr Julian Cook said: “If UK drones could manage a single day without drinking loads of tea, slagging off whoever isn’t in the room and trying to shag each other, they could take the remaining six off and productivity would still be up by 15%.

“Because computers, if used for their intended purpose, are much quicker than the quills everyone was using when the working week was invented.

“One of the biggest wastes of time is everybody talking about how hard they work. The average UK worker spends two hours per day telling their colleagues how much pressure they’re under in a ‘sad voice’ while intermittently sighing.

“It’s all about work/life balance, specifically stopping balancing your work and life while at work.”

IT co-ordinator Tom Booker said: “It’s interesting because although I go to an office I’ve never really thought about it as a place of work. It’s more of a drop-in centre.”