Black widow Jerry Hall to marry convicted poisoner Rupert Murdoch

MODEL Jerry Hall, whose four previous husbands met unexplained deaths, is to become the sixth wife of convicted poisoner Rupert Murdoch. 

Hall, who was left with a $314 million fortune by her first three Texan oil billionaire husbands, was married to Mick Jagger before he was killed by falling crotch-first into a Nutribullet smoothie blender. 

Her fiance has dispatched several spouses using Horlicks laced with a flavourless substance.

The couple, who announced their engagement in a black-bordered notice in The Times, told media their marriage will be a long and happy one. 

Hall said: “I’m already encouraging his interests in visiting printing presses when nobody’s around and really leaning out over the safety railing. 

“He loves to cook for me, often questioning me for hours on the exact taste of every mouthful and my BMI. This is one marriage that won’t end in divorce.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Junior doctors give up protest because they’re so f**king knackered

JUNIOR doctors have abandoned their strike action because they are just so f**king exhausted.

The medics had hoped to spend the day shouting anti-government slogans while standing up, but most have now wandered away from the protest and gone home to bed.

Martin Bishop, a junior doctor from Peterborough, said: “Oh Christ, I’m so knackered I can’t even remember the name of the Health Secretary. I think it rhymes with ‘hunt’.”

Propping herself up using a misspelled, home-made placard, Dr Emma Bradford, added: “What’s penicillin again?

“Do you rub it in, or is it just another name for cardio-thoracic surgery?”

She added: “It’s okay, I just need a solid six hours sleep before I work until Friday evening making massive life and death decisions in a heaving, underfunded nightmare.”