48-year-old audit manager comes to work with lightning bolt make-up

AN AUDIT manager has arrived at the office with a red-and-blue Ziggy Stardust lightning bolt on his face which has yet to be mentioned by anyone.  

Martin Bishop, who has already chaired a management meeting in which the make-up was not discussed, has meetings with external auditors and officials from HMRC on his schedule for today. 

Colleague Mary Fisher said: “I assume it’s a Bowie thing, but somehow it’s impossible to ask. 

“Martin’s not the most approachable person, so whenever someone tries to be sympathetic he just barks about the mess of their department’s accounts.

“How long is he planning to wear it for? Will he be following this with a Pierrot outfit?

“You can clearly see the outline of his bits through his spandex trousers, it’s not that nice really.”

Bishop said: “The lightning bolt is just one element of my tribute. I’m also doing loads of drugs, which has really supercharged my bollockings of junior staff.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Beer has well-reasoned argument for why man should drink it

A BOTTLE of beer has given a surprisingly solid argument for why its owner should drink it.

31-year-old Tom Booker was almost halfway through a planned month off alcohol when a beer in his fridge started talking to him, in a sensible voice that sounded like David Dimbleby.

The beer said: “Any health benefits from a month of abstinence will be purely temporary.

“You will never give up beer entirely, you would rather die, so best to just moderate your intake over the longer term.

“Also I am just one beer, with a relatively low ABV of 4.8%. Consumed in isolation, I am less harmful than those chips you just ate.

“In summary, drink me.”

Booker said: “I always imagined that if beer started talking to me it would sound like a husky French woman. But this was more like a posh uncle who is really hard to argue with.”

However after Booker drank the beer he could still hear its voice in his head saying: “Now go to the shop and buy more beer.”