Britain demands hibernation scheme

BRITAIN has demanded the right to sleep through the winter like a hedgehog.

Millions of people across the country said the were sick and tired of feeling like second class citizens compared to the small, spikey insectivores.

They have demanded the right to be put in coma from November to April, then covered in leaves and compost in a cave.

Nikki Hollis, from Stevenage, said: “I know there’s a 50-50 chance of emerging without all of my faculties intact. But at this time of year it’s my faculties that are the problem.

“They’re the ones telling me it’s cold, bleak, miserable and that there are many, many months to go before the first breath of spring offers an illusory chink of optimism.”

Tom Booker, who works for an insurance firm in Barnsley, said: “I work for an insurance firm in Barnsley. What else do you need to know?

“Short of never having been born at all, this is the best thing that could ever happen to me.”

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Canadian colleague has patronising anecdotes about how cold it gets back home

A CANADIAN co-worker has been sharing annoying stories about how much colder it is in his home country.

Large, upbeat colleague Wayne Hayes, who is from somewhere vaguely near Toronto, has been telling everyone how the temperature ‘back home’ often drops to -9000c.

Hayes said: “You Brits are such a bunch of pussies. Back home, the snow gets so deep that entire towns disappear beneath it and have to survive for months by drinking their own urine mixed with honey.

“Even so, people just go to work as normal, taking shovels to dig their way in and out.

“In winter, Canada is so cold that if you go outside too quickly your body will just explode from the sudden change in temperature. And there’s bears, big bastard bears.”

Office manager Mary Fisher said: “Wayne thinks the British winter is ‘for pussies’ so I offered to move his desk outside into the freezing fucking cold. He declined.

“The outline of a vest is clearly visible under his shirt.”