Britain giving an absolutely massive f**k about Pippa Middleton's wedding

EVERYONE has agreed that it is impossible not to be utterly obsessed by the wedding of Pippa Middleton, no matter how hard they try.

The nation has attempted to distract itself with politics, television and drug use but still finds itself gripped by every thrilling detail of the nuptials.

Bill McKay, from Stirling, said: “There’s no fighting it. I’m fascinated.

“I tried pretending to myself I wasn’t, that the marriage of a party planner and a hedge fund manager in Berkshire was of no relevance to my life. I tried.

“Then I distantly heard a news report about her two-outfits rule and streaked out of the bath to stand, dripping in suds, mouth agape in front of the telly, struggling to take in this latest twist.

“I’ve dropped the pretence. I go to sleep wrestling with her decision not to have Duchess of Cambridge as maid-of-honour, and wake up wondering if it was right to make an exception of the ‘no ring, no bring’ policy for Meghan Markle.”

“I barely remember who I am anymore. And I don’t want to.”

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Assange to return favour by influencing Swedish election

JULIAN Assange has promised to thank Sweden for dropping charges against him by boosting far-right parties at their next election. 

The Wikileaks head has already tasked Russia to hack into liberal politicians’ emails, and says he will do everything in his power to get the country a fascist demagogue as a reward.

He added: “One good favour deserves another.

“Sweden’s done me a solid with this, and they’ll soon see the benefits of having Julian Assange on your side.

“What do the local Nazis call themselves up there?”