Drinkers eagerly waiting for cocktail barman to f**k up

CUSTOMERS at a fancy cocktail bar are hoping against home that the smug ‘mixologist’ juggling bottles behind it breaks something soon. 

The slick-haired barman, who throws spinning bottles up behind his back then catches them even when just pouring a gin and tonic, is headed for a fall and absolutely nobody wants to miss it.

Carolyn Ryan said: “Oh, that moment. That moment when a bottle of Midori shatters on the floor, his toothy grin freezes, and he has to shuffle off and get a broom.

“I ordered a Long Island Ice Tea purely on the basis of how many spirits it contained, hoping against hope that I’d be the lucky girl that made it happen.

“Sadly I wasn’t but he’s getting overconfident and my mate’s flirting with him specifically to break his concentration, so it’s only a matter of time.”

Mixologist Olly said: “Wow, they’re six-deep at the bar just to watch me perform. Well, why not give them a real show–

“Whoops. Fuck. Why’s everyone smiling?”

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Middle-aged hamster buys expensive new wheel

A MIDDLE-aged hamster has bought a top of the range wheel loaded with optional extras.

Fourteen month-old Tom Logan said the wheel, which cost £5.99, is made of carbon fibre and is precision-engineered to give optimal spin when he is really ‘going for the burn’.

He added: “I realised that I used to run about a lot when I was much younger a few weeks ago, but since then I’ve just sat in a pile of wood shavings stuffing my cheeks with sunflower seeds.

“I reckon I can get up to two, maybe three miles an hour when I go for it. My thighs are really toning up.

“I feel sorry for all those fat gerbils who just sit round all weekend. I bet they can’t even fit into the tunnels in their little run any more.”

Meanwhile, friends said the purchase of the wheel coincides with a pretty young guinea pig moving in next door.