Britain stares terrified at onrushing tsunami of Coronation bullshit

THE UK is standing petrified, transfixed by an onrushing tidal wave of Coronation bullshit which will soon drown us all. 

The entire country is staring aghast at a mounting influx of bollocks about an event which will affect none of our lives in any material way but will be all any of us are allowed to discuss or think about for weeks to come.

Donna Sheridan of Lancaster said: “It’s already begun. In the shops, on the telly, on our very crisps. So far it’s only ankle-deep. But the deluge is coming.

“Soon our homes will be awash with Coronation shite. EastEnders will have a special episode. This Morning will discuss little else. You’ll be sipping Coronation tea out of a Coronation mug with Coronation biscuits on the side.

“Your workplace will be alive with it. Schools will be obsessed. Bunting will appear. The street party, or the failure to organise a street party, will be the subject of outraged battles on every neighbourhood Facebook group.

“We will be castigated for not exactly replicating the joy and excitement of a 1953 event which septugenarians dimly remember from when they were children. We will be compelled to feign joy at a man who is already King being named King.

“Each and every one of us will soon be submerged in forced patriotism. It’s coming. It is too late to hide.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman stupidly thinks she'll cancel streaming subscription before free month is up

A WOMAN signing up for a free trial of a paid streaming service genuinely believes she will cancel her membership before being charged.

Naive Now TV membership holder Nikki Hollis honestly thinks she will remember to cancel her subscription of her own accord before the first monthly payment of £4.99 is taken from her bank account.

She said: “I want to watch the latest series of Succession, but I also don’t want to pay any money. This seems like the perfect solution with no possible financial consequences.

“I’m surprised streaming companies still let people sign up for free trials. Don’t they know we’re outsmarting them and exploiting their goodwill by unsubscribing at the last second? Absolutely no one is ever caught out and ends up paying them money without realising it.

“Thanks to the mental note I’ve made, I’ll be able to enjoy Now TV’s high-quality content for weeks without giving them a penny. Yes, I forgot to close my Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney+, Apple TV and BFI Player accounts before getting stung, but this will be different. I can feel it.”

Upon entering her personal details, Hollis was reminded that she has an existing Now TV account which has already rinsed her to the tune of £200.