THE UK is standing petrified, transfixed by an onrushing tidal wave of Coronation bullshit which will soon drown us all.
The entire country is staring aghast at a mounting influx of bollocks about an event which will affect none of our lives in any material way but will be all any of us are allowed to discuss or think about for weeks to come.
Donna Sheridan of Lancaster said: “It’s already begun. In the shops, on the telly, on our very crisps. So far it’s only ankle-deep. But the deluge is coming.
“Soon our homes will be awash with Coronation shite. EastEnders will have a special episode. This Morning will discuss little else. You’ll be sipping Coronation tea out of a Coronation mug with Coronation biscuits on the side.
“Your workplace will be alive with it. Schools will be obsessed. Bunting will appear. The street party, or the failure to organise a street party, will be the subject of outraged battles on every neighbourhood Facebook group.
“We will be castigated for not exactly replicating the joy and excitement of a 1953 event which septugenarians dimly remember from when they were children. We will be compelled to feign joy at a man who is already King being named King.
“Each and every one of us will soon be submerged in forced patriotism. It’s coming. It is too late to hide.”