BRITAIN was last night trying desperately not to think about what Katie Price branded perfume actually smells like.
As the product was withdrawn from Superdrug, people across the country were gripped by terrifying images of fat, sweaty, working class women reeking of dirty, open air sex and empty chicken buckets.
Joanna Kramer, an accountant from Hitchin, said: “When I close my eyes all I can see is the tops of their chests glistening with beads of grimy perspiration as they lunge from one bottle of Bacardi Breezer to the next while talking about their latest rash.
“Then one of them lets out an enormous belch and reaches down into her pants for a scratch and that’s when the smell hits me.
“At first it seems not entirely unpleasant, a bit like a glass of Ribena that’s been left under a heat lamp.
“But as it oozes further back into my nostrils I start to get a sense of a warm, summer afternoon at a landfill site, shortly after the arrival of a large truck filled with out-of-date haddock.
“And as that cocktail crash lands at the back of my throat there comes the second and more powerful wave which is the unmistakeable and all pervading stench of a greasy cage fighter, fresh from the ring and ready to mate with his female.”
She added: “Apparently the children making this stuff were paid as much as 29p an hour. I’d have sacked the lot of them.”
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “I am fascinated by the idea that the men who have sex with women who wear Katie Price perfume actually care what they smell like.”
“And I would add that if you’re going to Superdrug to buy a perfume with Katie Price’s name on it, disguising your natural odour is incredibly far down the list of things you need to do something about.”