Britain Trying Not To Imagine What Katie Price Perfume Smells Like

BRITAIN was last night trying desperately not to think about what Katie Price branded perfume actually smells like.

As the product was withdrawn from Superdrug, people across the country were gripped by terrifying images of fat, sweaty, working class women reeking of dirty, open air sex and empty chicken buckets.

Joanna Kramer, an accountant from Hitchin, said: “When I close my eyes all I can see is the tops of their chests glistening with beads of grimy perspiration as they lunge from one bottle of Bacardi Breezer to the next while talking about their latest rash.

“Then one of them lets out an enormous belch and reaches down into her pants for a scratch and that’s when the smell hits me.

“At first it seems not entirely unpleasant, a bit like a glass of Ribena that’s been left under a heat lamp.

“But as it oozes further back into my nostrils I start to get a sense of a warm, summer afternoon at a landfill site, shortly after the arrival of a large truck filled with out-of-date haddock.

“And as that cocktail crash lands at the back of my throat there comes the second and more powerful wave which is the unmistakeable and all pervading stench of a greasy cage fighter, fresh from the ring and ready to mate with his female.”

She added: “Apparently the children making this stuff were paid as much as 29p an hour. I’d have sacked the lot of them.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “I am fascinated by the idea that the men who have sex with women who wear Katie Price perfume actually care what they smell like.”

“And I would add that if you’re going to Superdrug to buy a perfume with Katie Price’s name on it, disguising your natural odour is incredibly far down the list of things you need to do something about.”

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North Korea Celebrates Flawless 8-0 Win

NORTH Koreans were celebrating last night after their team’s
long-predicted 8-0 thrashing of decadent capitalist Brazil.

Footage of Korea’s nine-foot tall players scoring goal after goal past a weeping and unusually Oriental-looking Brazilian side was beamed across the country to over 35 million people, 11 million more than its actual population.

The first three goals saw their goalkeeper earn the 47th hat-trick of his career, with the last being a remarkable bicycle kick from the halfway line.

Each goal was celebrated by the players running to the corner flag and delivering an impassioned five-minute lecture on the nation’s rising factory productivity to a rapt crowd of 52,000 Korean fans.

Tom Logan, World Cup analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “North Korea’s footage differs significantly from the rest of the world, inasmuch as Ellis Park appeared to be a dilapidated velodrome on an industrial estate and Korea’s fourth and seventh goal was exactly the same footage.”

But Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il said: “Our glorious players showed what discipline, moral fortitude and being repeatedly beaten can achieve. I personally coached the team myself, shortly after writing my 375th novel Super Kim Slays Moth-Ra & Has Sexy Fun With Madonna, and fighting a bear with a claw hammer.”

A North Korean government spokesman added: “Some may think they remember a goalkeeper called Ri Myong-Guk. They are mistaken. If anybody meets somebody claiming to be a member of his family, they are actually Western demons and should be shot on sight.”

North Korean fan Jong-Se Park said: “Much appreciation and fraternal joy to the mighty footballers of our land! I do so hope my family can please be released unharmed so they can witness the ultimate triumph in the final!”