Saturday, 8th May 2021

Captain Tom to be made Prince Andrew

THE Queen is to make Captain Tom Moore Duke of York and eighth in line to the throne, replacing the former Prince Andrew. 

The centenarian charity campaigner will be given the former Royal’s HRH title and be made vice-admiral of the Royal Navy, Earl of Inverness, and Royal Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Garter in recognition of his clear moral superiority over the previous incumbent.

A Buckingham Palace insider said: “As far as Her Majesty’s concerned this position’s been vacant for some time. It’s just the person in it wasn’t yet aware.

“Anyway he’s gone and Captain Tom, who’s a far more suitable choice and beloved of Britain, is replacing him in every aspect.

“And not just minor stuff like Chancellor of Huddersfield University. He’s now officially Charles’s younger brother, uncle to William and father to Beatrice and Eugenie. They couldn’t be more pleased.

“He’s moving into the Royal Lodge and its 98-acre grounds at Windsor this weekend. The last bloke’s been given forty quid and the address of a bail hostel in Slough.”