Captain Tom to be made Prince Andrew

THE Queen is to make Captain Tom Moore Duke of York and eighth in line to the throne, replacing the former Prince Andrew. 

The centenarian charity campaigner will be given the former Royal’s HRH title and be made vice-admiral of the Royal Navy, Earl of Inverness, and Royal Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Garter in recognition of his clear moral superiority over the previous incumbent.

A Buckingham Palace insider said: “As far as Her Majesty’s concerned this position’s been vacant for some time. It’s just the person in it wasn’t yet aware.

“Anyway he’s gone and Captain Tom, who’s a far more suitable choice and beloved of Britain, is replacing him in every aspect.

“And not just minor stuff like Chancellor of Huddersfield University. He’s now officially Charles’s younger brother, uncle to William and father to Beatrice and Eugenie. They couldn’t be more pleased.

“He’s moving into the Royal Lodge and its 98-acre grounds at Windsor this weekend. The last bloke’s been given forty quid and the address of a bail hostel in Slough.”

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Woman sick of commute from bedroom to kitchen table

A WOMAN is fed up of the long, tedious commute from her bed to the kitchen table where she works. 

Marketing consultant Emma Howard calculated she is losing seven-and-a-half minutes of her life to the gruelling commute, and even podcasts are no solace.

She said: “It’s the door, then the landing, then the stairs, the hall, the front room, the back room, the kitchen. Every bloody day.

“45 seconds is on a good day. The traffic can be outrageous. Cats on the stairs, the tail-end of the school run, and my husband talking loudly to his colleagues when I’m trying to get to my desk.

“There’s always a queue at the f**king coffee machine if I want one before I get in, and my chair usually has robot dinosaurs on it. By the time I arrive it’s all I can do to check my emails.

“I know the government are saying to go to work if you can but I’m not sure I can any more. The social distancing is basically non-existent.

“I’m considering a job a bit closer to home. Ideally actually under the duvet.”