Man questioning life decisions that have led him to queue two hours for KFC

A MAN queuing for two hours to buy a bucket of chicken is going over every decision in his life that has led him to this moment. 

Nathan Muir has so far ruminated on failed relationships, missed opportunities and poor choices while his Ford Ka moved approximately 100 yards over an hour towards a fast-food restaurant.

He said: “I’ve had a vague, nagging feeling that things went wrong somewhere for a while now. But this two-hour wait for warm grease is really crystallising it for me.

“I’ve made the wrong decisions in my career. I’ve screwed up my love life. My dad can’t talk to me without the unmistakable undertone of disappointment.

“Even on the small scale, I could be anywhere right now. I could be climbing a mountain. I could be writing a novel. Instead I’m here, in a 19-year-old car with a buggered clutch, sweating in the sun as I queue to be awarded chicken.

“That’s my priority in a global pandemic. Hot chicken. The world would miss me not at all.”

Two cars behind, 38-year-old Helen Archer said: “I’ve got a good job and a family that I love. What am I doing? Please don’t use my real name.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Parents briefing kids on what to say they've been taught at home

HOMESCHOOLED children are memorising a list of educational activities to  claim they completed when their teachers ask. 

Children are being rigorously schooled in lying about the breadth and depth of their learning, how little screen time they had and how mummy never drinks wine before noon.

Mum Carolyn Ryan said: “You’ve nailed the Key Stage 2 curriculum, you’ve learned to play oboe, and you’re semi-fluent in Portuguese. Okay? Read that back to me.

“I’ve spent eight weeks WhatsApping about what a breeze homeschooling’s been, and now it’s come to the crunch. The last thing I need is my daughter flapping her trap and blowing my cover.

“This morning we’re drilling in the incredible science experiments she did, and in the afternoon we’re learning by heart all her creative tasks. Then she’s got a solid hour of repeating ‘No Miss, I wasn’t on TikTok’ just to get it down.

“Under no circumstances should she mention that I’m never out of bed before This Morning. The teachers might call it a gagging order, I call it looking out for her future.”

Ten-year-old daughter Ellie said: “Mum wants me to lie about my achievements to make her look good? I didn’t expect things to go back to normal this fast.”