Hydroxychloroquine also gives me the power of flight, says Trump

PRESIDENT Trump has asserted that not only does hydroxychloroquine make him immune to the coronavirus, it grants him the power of flight. 

The president claims to have been taking the anti-malaria drug for a week-and-a-half and said that on Sunday he hit a golf ball into the Earth’s ionosphere then flew faster than the speed of sound to catch it.

He continued: “Also I can see through walls now. Straight through. It’s like they’re not there. And the things I can see, believe me.

“Not medically recommended? I knew you’d say that, because I can prophesy the future. Boy, you look dumb when the facts come out about this stuff. I’m laughing because I just watched you getting fired next year.

“My hands emit a kind of blue energy that’s completely clean. It’s beautiful. I travel through time now. I just dated Cleopatra while my other body was building a golf course on Mars.

“All Americans should take hydroxychloroquine. That’s not an order but it’s an order. We’ll all be cured and I’ll do very well in the election. Now I’m going to fly into the sun. Okay? Okay.”

Fox News anchor Nikki Hollis said: “So that’s all true. Next: why the coronavirus is microscopic Obama.”

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Woman not sure what's so f**king amazing about garden centres

A WOMAN has made a post-lockdown visit to her local garden centre only to wonder what the f**k is meant to be so vital about it. 

Carolyn Ryan waited outside for half-an-hour then wandered around between rows of potted orchids, racks of seeds and wrought iron furniture attempting to get some kind of buzz but finding only confusion.

She said: “I just don’t get the hype. Why have we rushed to open these? A few weeks ago we were furious with people buying videogames, but the nation had a dire need to buy wooden ‘It’s always gin o’clock when you’re retired!’ signs?

“Plus the demographic is terrifying. These are exactly the people who shouldn’t be at risk. Let’s just say I felt very out of place without a gilet.

“I bought a weeping fig, I’ll probably kill it. Next time I go on a day trip I’m heading to the tip. Now there’s a place where memories are made.”