Celebrities still think they deserve privacy

BRITAIN’S famous people are still insisting they are entitled to any kind of private life, it emerged last night.

As the investigation into phone hacking by the News of the World reopened, dozens of celebrities stepped up their case against the tabloid for intercepting the private information they had chosen not to use for promoting their latest piece of shit.

Martin Bishop, a lawyer for Steve Coogan, the actor who has recently won critical acclaim for playing himself, said: “The only things more important to Steve than his privacy are his family, his issues with drug and alcohol use and his professional insecurities, as you may have read in a 3000-word interview with an Observer journalist who he welcomed into his home.

“Steve would never want a tabloid newspaper accessing his private thoughts, unless of course his career reaches such a point where he would take anything he can get.”

Meanwhile former prime minister Gordon Brown has also asked lawyers to find out if his phone was hacked amid fears it may reveal vast quantities of as yet undiscovered public debt.

Tom Logan, professor of Look at Me at Reading University , explained: “They’re all like, ‘I’ll give you a glimpse of me as long as it convinces you to hand over a tenner to see this pathetic thing I made with some over-rated Americans’.

“These narcissistic fuckers have millions in the bank but instead of retiring and giving someone else a chance, they keep accumulating money. They want us to keep loving them, on their terms, so they can keep paying the man who mows the lawn at the house where they spend about 12 days a year.

“Meanwhile Sienna Miller’s complaining her thoughts are being invaded. She’s a good looking girl but I’d rather kill myself than have to listen to her go on about her stupid fucking job and how her latest role is so demanding. Do me a favour love.

“You can have privacy or be paid a million pounds to play pretend with your chums. But you can’t have both.”

He added: “Meanwhile if some prick thinks he should be allowed to exert authority over me and spend my money, then I want him wearing a microphone 24 hours a day. I want probes drilled into his head so I can see his fucking dreams.

“You can have privacy or you can sit in your fancy office in Whitehall thinking you’re the big man. But you can’t have both.”

Logan also explained that newspapers are vile, horrible places filled to the ceiling with overpaid, conniving bastards who would kill each other for the title of ‘assistant editor (football skanks)’.

But he stressed: “They are also rather sad, inadequate people who will cut corners to get results because their boss is an aggressive, bullying dick. Case. Fucking. Closed.”

He added: “And so what if the celebrities stop governing and entertaining us? Who gives a shit? I can govern myself thank you very much, meanwhile I’ll get myself a pair of bongos and a ukulele.

“I can’t play either of them for toffee but it’s got to be better than listening to fucking Coldplay.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My son has decided to become a homosexual and I was wondering what I need to do to turn him normal again. He may have a successful career, lots of friends, impeccable taste and a charming live-in companion called Greg, but all of these things count for nothing because he insists on engaging in anal sex  when he goes to bed at night. I don’t know why he can’t be more like his brother, Darren, and get a few of the local school girls pregnant. Please help.

Dear Elspeth,
There are many ways you can catch gayness, for example by touching a dog’s willy with a stick, by wearing white socks with black trousers, or by letting your mum pick you up from the school disco. Unfortunately, there’s no known cure. But do not despair, because these days being gay is actually ok, and the only ones who don’t like it are bitter old people in brown cardigans who run B&Bs and read the Daily Mail and shake their fists at people for being a bit different. In actual fact, being a homosexual is so good for you these days that they’re going to start promoting gayness in our classes at school. So instead of memorising the periodic table, we’ll be expected to learn the lyrics to Take Your Mama Out by the Scissor Sisters, and in maths exams we’ll be asked questions like ‘if a lesbian asks you for directions to the swimming pool at five minutes past seven, what time will she be locked in a 69 with her firm young lover?’ or at least, that’s what my big sister told me. So if I were you, I’d stop worrying about your son’s sexual preferences and start asking him to help you out with your chemistry homework.
Hope that helps!