PRINCE Charles's brutal assaults on a polo playing Asian friend are just playful banter, it was claimed last night.
As Britain's Royal Family was once again exposed as a bunch of shits, friends of the Prince say multi-millionaire Kuldip Singh Dhillon loves nothing more than a sound beating at the hands of the future king and his sons.
One source said: "They give him a head start and then chase him round the paddock, waving their mallets in the air and shouting 'run Sooty, run!'.
"When their Royal Highnesses finally catch up to him they swipe at his legs to bring him down and then set about his head and body with blow after affectionate blow.
"Sometimes the beating has to stop for a few seconds because everyone is laughing so much."
The cheerful violence was revealed just days after Prince Harry alienated two-fifths of the world's population and Prince Edward was caught on camera taking a stick to his labradors because they are black.
Constitutional experts now believe Prince Charles may be an evil twin and that a kinder, gentler prince is being held prisoner in the Channel Islands where he is forced to wear an iron mask lest his true identity be revealed.
Royal historian Denys Finch-Hatton said: "The local villagers say that on a quiet night you can hear the poor wretch howling at the moon and shouting 'why? why?'."
Meanwhile the parents of Royal girlfriend Kate Middleton have urged their daughter to break-up with Prince William and start having sex with a footballer.