Charles Beats Asian Friend With Affectionate Polo Mallet

PRINCE Charles's brutal assaults on a polo playing Asian friend are just playful banter, it was claimed last night.

As Britain's Royal Family was once again exposed as a bunch of shits, friends of the Prince say multi-millionaire Kuldip Singh Dhillon loves nothing more than a sound beating at the hands of the future king and his sons.

One source said: "They give him a head start and then chase him round the paddock, waving their mallets in the air and shouting 'run Sooty, run!'.

"When their Royal Highnesses finally catch up to him they swipe at his legs to bring him down and then set about his head and body with blow after affectionate blow.

"Sometimes the beating has to stop for a few seconds because everyone is laughing so much."

The cheerful violence was revealed just days after Prince Harry alienated two-fifths of the world's population and Prince Edward was caught on camera taking a stick to his labradors because they are black.

Constitutional experts now believe Prince Charles may be an evil twin and that a kinder, gentler prince is being held prisoner in the Channel Islands where he is forced to wear an iron mask lest his true identity be revealed.

Royal historian Denys Finch-Hatton said: "The local villagers say that on a quiet night you can hear the poor wretch howling at the moon and shouting 'why? why?'."

Meanwhile the parents of Royal girlfriend Kate Middleton have urged their daughter to break-up with Prince William and start having sex with a footballer.

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Thousands Discover They Are Result Of Inbreeding

THOUSANDS of people logged on to the 1911 Census yesterday, stared at the screen for two minutes and then ran from the room with a look of sickened horror.

Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said many had hoped to find they were the descendants of a passionate but doomed romance between an East End match girl and the Duke of Clarence.

Instead thousands have discovered they are the mutant progeny of an illegal union between a slack-jawed farm labourer and his mentally retarded sister.

Carys Hughes, an office worker from Bedford, said: "I was really interested in my great grandparents on my father's side as, for some reason, we were never allowed to talk about them when I was growing up.

"When I logged on I soon discovered that great grandma's maiden name was the same as her married name.

"Sure enough, after a bit more research, it all became horrifyingly clear."

Hughes added: "I suppose now they'll have to take away my driving licence and put me in a home.

"Still, at least they were married. It would be so embarrassing to find out that you're the bastard offspring of sibling incest."

Professor Brubaker said the 1911 Census may be repulsive but it would give us a much deeper understanding of modern British culture including the Daily Mail, the Labour Party and Sky One's Are You Cleverer Than a Bag of Tomatoes?