Clarkson continues heartbreaking bid to hide true sexuality

TV bad boy Jeremy Clarkson remains filled with inner turmoil
after shattering Richard Hammond’s heart into a million tiny pieces, it
has emerged.

The outwardly heterosexual television personality, who is already locked in a tragic sham marriage with a woman, has reaffirmed the bitter pretence that he loves vaginas by publicly touching a female colleague.

A Top Gear insider said: “If you look closely at the pictures of Clarkson canoodling with a blonde, you will be able to detect a tiny, gleaming spot on his cheek. It’s a single tear.

“I feel most sorry for Richard. He really thought their time had come. He’s been trying for ages to convince Jeremy that they can live openly together without fear of lynching, citing examples from the civil rights movement and the career of Christopher Biggins.

“Last week, while we were on a break between shooting a piece about some new muscle cars that can force themselves on women and driving some tanks off a cliff, there was a smashing sound in Richard’s trailer and Jeremy flounced out, visibly upset.

“I asked him what was wrong and at first he pretended he was just sad because Elizabeth Taylor had died.

“But later he admitted ‘Marilyn’ – his name for Hammond – had pulled out of plans to buy a bed and breakfast in Pevensey, which they would co-run with Jeremy doing the cooking while Richard focused on setting up the treatment rooms which would be its unique selling point.”

The troubled, intense relationship between Clarkson and Hammond began when the pair were racing penis-shaped dragsters across the Sahara.

The insider said: “At night the temperature in the desert drops below zero, so you need body heat to keep warm. Let’s just say that after a certain amount of tentative spooning, nature took its course in a way that was both tender and brutal.

“James May tried to join in but they fought him off.

“Richard told me that afterwards they lay in each other’s arms, exhausted, looking up at the night sky and imagining a distant universe where they didn’t both have wives and children.

“And when Richard had his accident and was lying, broken in a hospital bed, Jeremy would sing softly to him and rub his thighs.

“All the while fighting his demons and dreaming of Pevensey.”



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Tragedy as 21 year-old earns £78,000 for four days work

BRITAIN was inconsolable last night as a 21 year-old man was forced to collect the best part of eighty grand for poking a stick around a field.

Ulsterman Rory McIlroy carried the hopes of a nation as he went in to the last day of the Masters with a commanding four shot advantage and all the money he could ever possibly need.

But the dream collapsed at Augusta’s par four 10th when the meteoric youngster drove into the trees after being distracted by a glimpse of a really nice Porsche 911, that he has since bought, grown bored of and abandoned in the car park of a seven-star hotel.

TV viewers in the UK wept like Italian grandmothers as McIlroy missed a series of putts that could have been holed by Italian grandmothers, all the while hiding his tragic face beneath the brim of the heavily-branded hat he gets paid tens of thousands of pounds to wear.

The BBC responded to McIlroy’s collapse by placing a black border around the screen and playing Barber’s Adagio for Strings over and over again.

Distraught presenter Hazel Irvine screamed ‘Roooo-reee! Roooo-reee! Roooo-reee!’ before cutting all her hair off, stripping naked and drowning herself in the lake at the par five 15th.

Commentators Ken Brown and Wayne Grady self-harmed with plastic forks and sharpened pencils, while Peter Allis said it was worse than watching Shoah, the nine and a half hour-long documentary about the Holocaust.

Allis added: “Cruel mistress… young lad… lesson learned… character-building… where am I?”

After his catastrophic final round of 374, McIlroy said: “I don’t know what I’d do if my job wasn’t inconsequential and I had absolutely nothing to worry about.”

Meanwhile winner Charl Schwartzel said he will use his £880,000 prize money to buy back the missing letters from his name.