Clarkson suspended for act of kindness

JEREMY Clarkson has been suspended by the BBC for helping some disabled children.

The professional antagonist was driving fast in a massive car when he passed a broken-down charity minibus.

Instead of goading them in some way, Clarkson pulled over to assist volunteer driver Stephen Malley, a former public sector worker with an earring.

Malley said: “I was taking the disabled children and their parents for a weekend away at a special centre with donkeys, but the bus broke down.

“When I saw Clarkson coming over I thought he was going to push me to the floor and mock me, but instead he correctly diagnosed a problem with the starter motor.

“He was like ‘I’ll sort it, I’ve got some tools in my boot’, then he gave me £200 to go and buy everyone ice creams while they waited.

“Then Clarkson’s passenger, who worked for the BBC, started going mental at him for going off-brand.

“He was saying ‘the short men and coppers who make up 97 per cent of your fan base will hate this’.

“Clarkson said he didn’t want to be that person any more and stormed off, a bit like that guy in the aftershave advert.”

A BBC source said: “Clarkson has been suspended for not being enough of a prick.

“He was the biggest tool in an industry that is rife with them, but he threw it all away.”

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Science cannot explain why beards go a bit ginger

SCIENTISTS will never be able to explain why all beards go slightly ginger when they reach a certain length, it has been confirmed.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We were hoping that years of extensive research into the strawberry blonde beard enigma would provide us with a simple explanation, like maybe that humans actually originated in Scotland rather than Africa.

“But no one will ever fully understand the gradual gingerfication of stubble. It’s just one of those things we have to file under ‘unexplainable’, like poltergeists or why people buy new cars when they depreciate so quickly.”

Black-haired beard wearer Tom Logan said: “I’ve always been a believer in rationality and science. Now though I am considering turning to religion in the hope that an omniscient God can explain why I look like Vincent van Gogh from the nose down.”