Terminators to be released into Scottish highlands

CONSERVATIONISTS have defended controversial plans to release 300 terminators into the wilds of Scotland. 

The relentless cyborgs are expected to thrive in the barren landscape despite the absence of clothing and motorcycles. They will kill anyone they encounter.

Wildlife expert Stephen Malley said: “We were already going to repopulate the forests with lynxes, and maybe some wolves. So we thought fuck it, let’s throw in some terminators.”

But Thurso resident Wayne Hayes said: “I don’t know why they feel the need to tamper with nature this way, it’s like in 1998 when they introduced a pod of Godzillas just off the coast and all those ships went missing.”

The Scottish National Trust will assess the impact on the ecosystem of 300 muscular Austrian-sounding killing machines will have, and have mooted the idea of hiring a Predator to keep their numbers down. 

Stephen Malley said: “The sight of a fully grown Cyberdinian, which is the less emotive term for terminators, running free across the heather bellowing its distinctive call of ‘Fuck you, asshole’ is quite breathtaking.”

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Indifference to babies outlawed

ANYONE who does not have a fanatical love of babies is committing a crime, it has been confirmed.

The public has been told to report anyone who is not totally enraptured by babies and their activities, such as eating food and looking at things.

A Mumsnet spokesman said: “Babies are delightful, so by extension anyone not thrilled by them is evil.

“Everyone should look out for the tell-tale signs of baby indifference. It might be a colleague having a glazed expression when you’re telling them about various types of pushchair, or a shop assistant not initiating banter about sleepless nights.

“These fiends will hunted down and tried in front of a Mumsnet jury.”

Mum Donna Sheridan said: “Having a baby is the most amazing thing you can do that doesn’t require any particular skill or talent.

“So when my friend Sarah started checking her texts while my baby son was experimenting with a fascinating new way of moving his leg, I didn’t hesitate to report her.

“I hope she rots in a Mumsnet prison ship.”