Clarkson's next six hate figures who are coincidentally all women

JEREMY Clarkson has listened to the backlash. He has learnt. And he will move on to hating these other people who also all happen to be women.

Nicola Sturgeon

Jezza’s old faithful. When he’s not thinking he’s terribly daring for spouting borderline racism, the ex Top Gear host is ripping into the SNP leader with alarming regularity. Is this his way of protesting too much? Does he hope her pity will morph into affection and eventually love? You can do a lot better, Nicola.

Greta Thunberg

A triple threat in Clarkson’s beady, hate-filled eyes. She’s young, she’s a she, and she prefers electric cars. Once the furore surrounding his latest column dies down, expect Clarkson to repeat his familiar cycle of saying dumb shit, getting loads of attention, then delivering a half-hearted non-apology that misses the point. It’s his tried-and-tested career model.

Amber Heard

Does Clarkson have any genuine opinions about the American actress? F**k knows. But she’s a controversial figure who’s in the public eye again at the moment, so it’s his moral obligation as a tabloid hack to bash out 700 bile-filled words and drive clicks to The Sun’s website. And they’ll be written. In short sentences. Like this.

JK Rowling

You’d think Clarkson and the Harry Potter author would be kindred spirits. They both once enjoyed being adored by the public. They were the figureheads of brands beloved by millions. Then they both pissed all that good will away by spouting offensive shit on the internet. Jezza only hates her though because he never got a cameo in one of her films.


No, he’ll reassure you, it has nothing to do with that deeply problematic ‘cellular level’ stuff he wrote in his column about Meghan. He hates Beyoncé on entirely different and justified grounds. Mainly that she is a stark reminder of where genuine talent and charisma can get you. Meanwhile he has to scrape a living generating outrage.

Emily Clarkson

Jezza’s daughter, his own flesh and blood, will find herself in his crosshairs after having the nerve to call him out for being a misogynistic twat. Expect him to kick off an exclusive series where he publishes pages from her teenage diary in a petty act of revenge. Sounds unlikely? This is a man who punched a TV minion for offering him a meat and cheese platter.

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Sponsored deportations, the perfect Christmas gift. With Suella Braverman

LOOKING for a last-minute gift, but can’t find anything callous and vindictive enough? I know the feeling, so here’s how to give a loved one a sponsored deportation this Christmas.

It’s a lot like adopting a baby giraffe, but for racists and immigration obsessives rather than children. Your money will go toward arresting the immigrant, detaining them in inhumane conditions and a one-way flight to Rwanda. For just £45 the recipient will get a deportation pack, containing:

A photo and full biography of your deportee

Obviously some of them will be claiming to be fleeing war or persecution for their religion, political views or sexuality. We know this is bollocks, so we’ll correct it to ‘illegal scrounger’.

A certificate of deportation 

This confirms that the illegal immigrant has left the UK and is en route to an uncertain future in Rwanda. (Note: There may be a delay in this arriving due to entirely bogus legal challenges by Marxist ‘human rights’ lawyer traitors who we hope eventually to have shot.)

A car sticker 

Spread the word about forced deportation! This amusing car sticker shows a dark-skinned foreigner stalking a white woman at night, with the fun message: ‘I’m sending the bastards back!’

The gift recipient’s name on a plaque in Rwanda

Whoever you give the gift to will have their name added to a plaque at the migrant’s hotel under the words ‘And don’t f**king come back!’. Obviously it may not be a hotel, maybe a dangerously overcrowded fire-risk hostel, or a prison camp complete with daily beatings. We can only hope.

Regular updates

Every month there’ll be an update to let you know the immigrant is still stuck in Rwanda, unable to raise the funds to leave, possibly in a state of depression, and won’t be coming to England for free pizza and a cushy life on income support. Hurrah!

A stuffed toy 

These delightful immigrant dolls are ideal for sticking to a dartboard and using as target practise. Or sometimes I like to get one and grind it into the floor with my heels in a frenzy, screaming as I finally rip its head off, until a civil servant calls for the doctor again. I’ve got through 60 so far, they’re that much fun!

Order your sponsored deportation now! 

Simply visit and pay with any recognised bank or debit card. Order within 24 hours for guaranteed delivery by the 25th.

So help deport a lying, scheming foreigner today. It’s the ideal gift for the Brexiter, Ukipper or, since there’s not much difference these days, Tory voter in your life. Merry Christmas one and all!