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Now add gold leaf, says Jamie

JAMIE Oliver has used his new Christmas special to advise giving Brussels sprouts and tired old turkey a bit of pizzazz with a touch of gold leaf. 

The chef suggested that creating a Yuletide feast everyone would remember was a simple matter of adding chestnuts, crispy pancetta, orange-blossom honey glaze and edible gold leaf, available at just £4.75 for two sheets.

He said: “Gold leaf is my top tip for smashing Christmas veg. It’s that perfect little touch that elevates this from being an ordinary meal to something special.

“It’s definitely not that I’ve done gravy, roast potatoes, turkey and stuffing a hundred million f**king times, am more jaded than a dockside whore, and I’m flailing around to find random ways to make this different.

“Actually, it’s that gold leaf over the parsnips and the Brussels is special and necessary and you’ll love it. What’s another fiver at this time of year? Happy days.

“Imagine the majesty of your Boxing Day bowel movement speckled with gold. You eat it, you crap it out, you flush it away. It’s like a metaphor for Christmas.

“Anyway. Add gold leaf.”

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A new boiler, and other aggravating ways to blow money you could have had fun with

SPEND weeks agonising over £60 shoes then have to drop a grand on boiler repairs without blinking? These are the dull as f**k purchases that eat cash: 

A new boiler

There’s nothing better than draining your savings, your credit card and your parents’ goodwill for a new boiler. You can’t live without it and it costs the same as a wild weekend in Las Vegas just for things to be just the same as they were before. And you can still barely afford to have the f**ker on.

An MOT

You were considering a new Xbox or a fancy meal. Instead, legally, you’re required to get an MOT, and two hours late a mechanic informs you that your 12-year-old Corolla needs new sprockets, replacement pinwheels and its chakras realigned, all for £800. And you know nothing about cars so can do nothing but pay the man.

Going to the dentist

NHS dentist? Are you taking the piss? No, the only way to stop tooth pain dominating your every thought, day and night, is to spend that money you’d earmarked for a holiday on a replacement crown. Or anger gangsters enough that they pull your teeth out with pliers and hope they get the right ones.

Vet bills

Just when it looks like affording Sky Sports might be a possibility, the dog falls ill. And only the most heartless bastard would do anything but rush to the vet and cheerfully stump up £500 for examinations, X-rays, blood tests and a course of medication it refuses to take. Only monsters want their money for themselves.

Various automotive fines

F**k it. You buy yourself the shoes anyway. When you get back to the car, there’s a £60 fine on the bloody windscreen. You drive home, don’t like the shoes now, can’t afford them anyway, and drive back accidentally passing through a bus-only lane. The Man has plucked money from your pocket and laughed.

Christmas

Presents for loved ones aren’t such a burden. Presents for the very much less loved ones who are turning up expecting shit are a burden. Food and drink for those freeloading twats costs £100 every time you pop out for those last few things you’ve forgotten. They give you stuff, wrapped up. It’s nothing you want. It’s worthless.

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