Clooney considers switching to Daily Express

ACTOR George Clooney may break the habit of a lifetime and switch from the Daily Mail to the Daily Express.

The Mail’s allegations about his mother-in-law have made Clooney wonder about cancelling his subscription to the paper, or at least only buying it on Sundays.

However the actor is concerned that getting used to a different newspaper might be a step too far at his age.

Clooney said: “Although I’m furious about their mean-spirited lies, I still take the Mail because I like its format. Straight away, you know which page to turn to for the Quick Crossword.

“Also I like those competitions where you collect the tokens to win a cottage in Devon. Not that I ever have any luck!

“And Fred Basset. That crazy hound, you never know what he’s going to get up to next.

Clooney had hoped that by switching to the Mail’s direct rival he would be sending the paper a message but wondered if he might be cutting off his nose to spite his face.

“The Express . . . I don’t know. What page is its crossword on? Does it even have a comedy dog cartoon? 

“Also, I’d miss Baz Bamigboye. Just that name. Maybe I’ll give the bastards one last chance.”

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UK to decriminalise crap weed

THE possession of poor quality cannabis is no longer against the law, the government has confirmed.

Possession of a bunch of brown seeds and sticks that could not get Peter Hitchens high will now be punished only by the disappointment of smoking them.

A government spokesman said: “”As every campaigner for Hemp Rights knows, The Man bans cannabis to stop the people quitting their jobs and astrally projecting to world peace.

““However, the majority of weed sold in the UK actually has a negative THC content, meaning that in the short-term smokers feel the urge to join the army and wash the car more often.

“”And in the long-term, they give up on drugs because what’s the point?””

The decision also licences ineptly-produced homegrown plants dried in newspaper in an airing cupboard, the main effect of which is a hacking cough.

A police spokesman said: “”Smokers of crap weed will face no criminal penalty. Just abject derision.””