Clooney dumps model for distracting him from allotment

SCREEN icon George Clooney split from Elisabetta Canalis because she kept distracting from his vegetable patch, it has emerged.

The actor, who is known to be obsessive about the municipal allotment he rents two miles from his Lake Como home, had been increasingly concerned about slugs attacking his purple sprouting broccoli.

A friend said: “Slugs have long been the bane of George’s life, but this year has been the worst ever. His broccoli plants are reduced almost to stumps.

“Possibly the pigeons have been having a go too. He’s heartbroken.

“Also his runner beans are not doing anything like as well as he’d hoped, despite putting down a lot of well-rotted manure over the winter.”

The friend added: “George needed time to get pellets down and generally sort things out vegetable-wise. Maybe put some bin bags around the base of the beans, which would discourage weeds by blocking sunlight.

“So he told Elisabetta that either she helped him with the slugs or he couldn’t go to the Cannes Film Festival. But she was really keen to spend a lot of time on yacht next to a hotel.

“Eventually George was dragged to Cannes against his will, and when he returned not only had his broccoli been devastated, but the butterflies and turned his cabbages to ribbons.

“That was the final straw.”

Allotment insiders confirmed that the Ocean’s 11 actor spent last night hanging CDs from bits of string, to keep the sparrows off his lettuce.

Clooney’s spokesman said: “Please respect our privacy at this difficult time.

“Unless you have any advice on how to deal with potato blight.”



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Bumping off elderly relatives easier than ever

MURDERING an ageing relative has never been simpler, it was confirmed last night.

Scientists have discovered that a cocktail of over-the-counter medicines is all that is needed to finally clear the way to a substantial inheritance.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “As a society we have been guilty of over-thinking OAP murder.

“People end up getting themselves in way too deep with terrifying hitmen or spending months wondering where to position the roller skate, when all that’s required is a quick visit to Superdrug and a bowl of minestrone soup.”

The government hopes the new recipe of death could finally pull Britain out of the economic doldrums as cash is transferred to people who will spend it on disposable shiny things rather than hoarding it in some building society and then using it for a big, fancy funeral they did not deserve.

Chancellor George Osborne said: “All we ask is 10 per cent off the top and no-one will be any the wiser.

“She was very old wasn’t she? And all those pills in her cabinet – so confusing. What a shame. What a terrible, terrible shame.”

And in an appeal to public sector workers, he added: “The less pension money we spend now the more pension money we will have for you. Why go on strike when you can just murder your gran?”

Jane Thompson, a teacher from Peterborough, said: “Thank Christ for that. I’ve spent months dicking about with butterscotch Angel Delight and Cillit Bang.

“Last year I put together this plan to have her trampled by an out-of-control horse – never work with children or animals. And then I paid sixty quid to a ninja who never even turned up. Sneaky little fucker.”

Eighty-two year-old Evelyn Brubaker added: “Oooooh, minestrone!”