'Come on, we're not Andrew': a timeline of Harry and Meghan's Sandringham summit

YESTERDAY’S Royal face-off was as emotionally charged as Christmas Day at the Queen Vic. Here’s how it went down: 

10.40am: Kate arrives wearing a load of crown jewels and a massive cloak carried by her sister Pippa. Imperiously ignores proceedings to go through files of press clippings about how marvellous she is, reading sections aloud.

11.20am: William and Harry go in for a hug for the first time in ages, only for the Duke of Cambridge to attempt to pull his brother’s trousers down and the Duke of Sussex to respond with an atomic wedgie.

12pm: In an immense power play the Queen arrives with all of her handbags, several of her race horses, three bishops and a military truck engine like the ones she assembled in the war.

2pm: Summit officially begins. Meghan, on FaceTime from Vancouver, is flanked by girl squad Amal Clooney, Serena Williams and Canada’s own Alanis Morrisette. They shout ‘you go girl!’ while Meghan sulks that Michelle Obama and Oprah never returned her calls.

2.45pm: Every time Harry is chastised for his unorthodox behaviour, he silently points to Uncle Andrew. Wills joins in with a recurring sneeze that also sounds strangely like the word ‘nonce’.

3.45pm: The Queen agrees to allow the couple to do what they had already announced they were doing anyway because nobody can stop them. In London Piers Morgan collapses to his knees with the sheer weight of the injustice.

4.15pm: Charles pretends to be having a normal conversation with Harry while mouthing ‘Take me with you.’ The pair then visit then nightclub Mahiki before being spotted stumbling arm-in-arm to the Canadian embassy.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

'Is she evil?' Queen asks Harry

THE Queen has told Prince Harry that if his wife is a demon who tricked him into marriage to enslave him then everyone would understand. 

During a crisis meeting at Sandringham, the Queen advised her grandson that there is no shame in accidentally marrying someone who is pure evil and has vowed to destroy the monarchy, adding that it would ‘not be the first time’. 

The Queen said: “At first, she seemed lovely, but then over the last year or so she’s changed and become quite wicked like Angelina Jolie in Maleficent, or Nicole Kidman in To Die For. Is that fair to say? 

“She seems especially to dislike the tabloid newspapers, which seems harmless enough on the face of it, but in my experience means she has the corrupted heart of a succubus.

“Have you started to think evil thoughts yourself? Like ‘What is the purpose of my life?’ or ‘Would I be happier as a lumberjack?’.

“We can get the Archbishop of Canterbury to perform an exorcism. He’s totally up for it.”