Corbett too short for a knighthood

RONNIE Corbett has had to make do with a CBE because he is too short for a knighthood, it has been confirmed.

Buckingham Palace officials said all the ancient orders of chivalry had a minimum height requirement of five feet two inches, meaning the five foot one monologist can never be known as ‘Sir Ronforth Corbett’.

A spokesman said: “While the original height requirements were based on very practical reasons, these days it’s just pure discrimination.

“Her Majesty has taken against very short men. She doesn’t like their small feet and their ability to hide under a large skirt.

“Last year the European Court of Human Rights sent her a letter demanding she remove the height requirement and she sent them one of Willie Carson’s fingernails.”

Experts said Corbett would have been the obvious choice to sit alongside Sir Bruce Forsyth at Leeds Castle in Kent, the ancient home of the Order of Light Entertainers, but his diminutive frame meant his place would now be taken by Russ Abbott.

Denys Finch-Hatton, editor of Mike’s Peerage, said: “Are very short men capable of gallantry? Probably not.”

The height requirements were introduced by Henry VII in 1486 to prevent the accidental knighting of Welshmen.


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Scientists capture person who buys fantasy-themed ornaments

THE mysterious individual who single-handedly sustained the market for pewter dragon statuettes is being held at a secure laboratory.

A team from the Institute for Studies had been in pursuit of Britain’s elusive fantasy trinket buyer for over a decade, finally bagging their specimen after setting up a fake shop called Gifts of Olde Avalon in Shrewsbury.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “For years we’ve looked at those little statues of dragons holding pretend crystals, Merlin snow-globes and leather pendants with elves painted on them and wondered – who the fuck buys this?

“The answer is a 51-year-old spinster from Trowbridge called Emma Bradford who lives in a terraced house with six cats and 146 dream catchers.”

Bradford’s extensive collection of poor quality sub-Tolkien fancies includes a 3D painting of a Balrog in a limited edition PVC frame, a copper-plated Excalibur and a candle in the shape of an orc’s pronged penis.

There is also an airbrushed painting entitled Werewolf Moon which is presented on a leather scroll and apparently cost £20.

She said: “It’s just my unique personal taste. Now please let me out of this net and stop taking samples of my hair and skin.

“I’ll have you know I’m a practising Wiccan and could turn you all into chairs.”