Hairy bikers admit cookery a front for drug and gun trafficking

JOVIAL television bike gang members David Myers and Simon King have confessed to extensive criminal activities after multiple shootings at the recording of their latest series.

Violence erupted at the filming of the popular BBC show Mums Know Best when six members of the Death’s Head Moths motorcycle gang rode into the marquee where a crumpet-making competition hosted by Myers and King was reaching its culmination.

The rival bikers opened fire with automatic weapons, seriously injuring nine middle-aged women and prompting King to retaliate with a sawn-off shotgun.

Although Myers and King are best known as the upbeat, pie-loving Hairy Bikers, it has since been revealed that they simultaneously operated in the motorcycle underworld under aliases including Graves and Barger, The Motherfuckers and Skull Brothers.

Geordie Simon King said: “The cookery thing started after we found that the best way to transport cocaine, pistols and stolen pharmaceuticals around the country was by baking them into pies.

“We’d strap stacks of them to our bikes, and if we got pulled by the police we’d simply hand them the top pie, known as ‘the empty’ because it didn’t have any drugs in.

“When the television stuff kicked off, it became the perfect front for increasingly large-scale criminal operations. On the last series of Mums Know Best we had ‘mini-haggises’ that were actually grenades, and chicken thighs stuffed full of dexedrine.

“But when innocent people started dying it all had to come to an end, because we bikers – although ruthless if crossed – live by a strict code of honour.”

He added: “Why aye man.”



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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,

The Archbishop of Canterbury got it right
in his speech this year when he said “everyone in the UK is a total
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down there? 

Dear Graeme,

is where Satan lives. Satan is God’s ex-wife. They don’t
talk to each other any more, except when God comes to pick up the
kids. I’m not sure where Hell is, exactly, but it’s hot there so maybe
near Spain? Or possibly it’s my Auntie Lynn’s house because we went
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