Daily Mail readers and other people who will obviously side with William

PRINCE William’s alleged assault against his little brother is the latest royal scandal to both rock and bore the nation. Here are the usual suspects who will blindly support the future king.

Daily Mail readers

Having been drip-fed a steady diet of anti-Harry and Meghan articles every day for years, Daily Mail readers will pounce on the alleged attack like rabid dogs. Their eyes will cloud over with red mist and froth will spew from their grinning maws as they read about the broken necklace and smashed dog bowl. This is their Christmas all over again.

Older brothers

Only older brothers can truly understand the frustration and rage that must have been pumping through Prince William’s hairless temples as he shoved Harry over. It was probably payback for some petty grievance from childhood. It wouldn’t be becoming once he becomes king though, so Wills did the right thing by duffing up Harry now.

Anyone who sat through both volumes of Harry & Meghan

The self-indulgent Netflix documentary has a runtime of nearly six hours, and it doesn’t have a single detail as salacious as the Notts Cott altercation. By contrast the headline ‘William attacked Harry’ takes seconds to scan and is way more exciting. If you’d listened to interviewees refer to Harry as ‘H’, you’d want to knock him down too.

Comment section users

Comment sections are home to the most vile and wretched human beings the internet has to offer, meaning they’re bound to leave misspelt replies backing Prince William. Civilised people on the other hand will merely read their deranged keyboard hammerings and let out a refined chuckle to themselves, before clicking over to xHamster to rub one out.

Kate Middleton

Kate’s not stupid. She knows which side her bread’s buttered. If occasional scandals involving her husband are what she has to endure in order to become Queen consort, then so be it. It’s a small price to pay. Plus she secretly likes it when William acts the hard man. It makes up for him looking a bit weird.

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Royal fans flocking to buy 'William kicking Harry's head in' souvenir plates

ROYALISTS are snapping up souvenir plates of Prince William’s violent altercation with Prince Harry.

The plates, made by Sleaford Mint, depict the intimate scene of Harry landing on a dog bowl in the kitchen of Nottingham Cottage as William hurls him across the room in a psychotic rage.

Grandma Joanna Kramer said: “It’s a heartwarming, magical image I shall treasure for the rest of my life. It’s got pride of place on my sideboard.

“Wills and Harry are two of my favourite young royals, so it’s lovely to see their festering feud descend into actual physical violence. I just wish cheeky Prince George could have been there getting a few kicks in while Harry is on the floor.

“I’ve put it next to my vast collection of Charles and Diana wedding tat, all of which also have a really grim subtext if you think about it.”

The plate will be followed by commemorative mugs, Union Jacks with an image of William twatting Harry, and figurines for some mental price like £249.95. However collectors have been warned to avoid cheap Chinese knock-offs where Harry looks like Ed Sheeran.

Fellow royal fan Mary Fisher said: “Obviously I’d like to see Kate giving Meghan a good hiding, or vice versa. Is it too much to ask that they meet up in person and resolve their differences with violence?”