Danny Dyer to join Marvel cinematic universe as himself

DANNY Dyer is to join the Marvel cinematic universe as new Marvel hero Danny Dyer, he has confirmed. 

The Cockney actor, who is currently playing Danny Dyer in EastEnders, will appear in The Eternals as a Cockney bad boy who smokes, drinks and is not afraid to ‘get a bit tasty’ if anyone threatens his family.

Dyer said: “I’m part of the Marvel crew now, and it’s proper naughty.

“There’s a scene where I take Thor to watch the Hammers, I throw that Scarlet girl a pity shag because her robot fella’s had it, and I plant the nut on Loki.

“I got on it when I interviewed Thanos for Deadliest Men. They tried to find an existing Marvel character for me to play but there’s no-one  – Captain Britain? He’s a twat – so I’m just in it as Danny Dyer.

“Only that soppy bollocks Spider-man had the minerals to disagree and now his spider senses ain’t the only thing that’s tingling, because I planted the nut on him an’ all.”

Marvel Studios boss Kevin Feige said: “Why not. This gravy train’s got to crash at some point.”

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Christmas Carol 2019 sees internet dater visited by three women he ghosted

A REVISED version of Dickens’s A Christmas Carol details the transformation of an internet dater visited by three women he ghosted.

The modernised classic sees Tinder bellend Ed Scrooge change his ways after visits from matches past, present and yet to come.

Writer Julian Cook explained: “In revisiting the timeless morality tale, we realised that online dating was the perfect setting.

“Our central character has profile pictures of himself at Machu Picchu and with a dog that’s not his, talks excessively about his charity work while never asking any questions, and crucially never calls women back after a shag.

“On Christmas Eve he’s visited by the ghost of exes who take him off to see his Christmas past in Duke’s nightclub in Chelmsford, his Christmas present rereading The Game between wanks, and his Christmas future indiscriminately sending dick pics to strangers.

“He learns a lesson, asks a street urchin to find him ‘the biggest bird in the nightclub’, and loves her for herself because he can now see beyond appearances.

“God bless us, every one.”