Couple genuinely serious about going to midnight mass

A SEEMINGLY normal couple have confirmed they are actually going to midnight mass.

Kate and Nathan Muir insisted they cannot wait to listen to a priest talk passionately about a virgin giving birth to a magic baby while all their friends will still be drinking very heavily indeed.

Kate Muir said: “At first people think we’re kidding when we say we’re going to a church in the dead of night. But their amusement quickly turns to confusion – and then anger – when we ask if they’d like to join us.

“And it’s not one of those lightweight masses that starts at 11 and ends at midnight. This one kicks off at 12 and nobody’s getting out until 1am at the earliest after some proper, old school worship. It’s hardcore, just like the magic baby would have wanted.”

Nathan Muir added: “We’re mainly in it for the hymns and the chanting.

“It does sound a bit weird when I say it out loud.”

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Man spends two weeks making Christmas pudding nobody will eat

A KEEN amateur cook has made a Christmas pudding no one will eat.

Nathan Muir, 45, has spent the last fortnight sourcing the best dried fruits and researching the optimum cooking methods for a dessert that will be binned in its entirety.

Muir said: “Christmas pudding is the highlight of the day after the presents, the roast, the booze, and the good telly, so it’s important to get it right.

“I’ve kept the family updated with my preparations and pudding trivia every step of the way via Whatsapp to get them excited. I must be doing everything right because no one has weighed in with advice or feedback of any sort.

“Like did you know you can make Christmas pudding up to five weeks in advance in what we in the trade call ‘Stir Up Sunday’?”

Muir’s wife Elaine said: “This is clearly the early stage of a mid-life crisis. Only a nutter would voluntarily eat a Christmas pudding, let alone make one from scratch.

“I’ll tell him the dog licked it so we can get out the Viennetta without hurting his feelings.”