'Christmas telly' is not a thing, young people confirm

YOUNG people have confirmed that ‘Christmas telly’ is not a thing and they do not understand why their parents think it is. 

While the over-30s leaf through the Radio Times they have bought specially, for unknown reasons, anyone younger is planning to do everything through tablet and phones as usual.

15-year-old Tom Booker said: “Mum’s like, Christmas telly’s special. I’m like, why?

“Netflix has new stuff every week. YouTube has new stuff every day. Even Amazon Prime gets new stuff occasionally. Why would I care about a Call The Midwife special?

“I get up and there’s some film like Madagascar 3 on that I’ve already seen at school. Apparently there’s another film on at ten past three, after the Queen does her thing, but I illegally streamed that one last year.

“Literally why would you think that all sitting around watching telly together is a family thing. We’re not talking, we’re not interacting, why do I have to put my phone down?”

Dad Tony Booker said: “Look, there’s a Christmas special of Millionaire on. Yeah, I see what you mean.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Four gifts that say 'I don't give a sh*t'

ARE you planning to give presents that clearly required no thought or effort to people you don’t really care about? Try these: 

Mini-puzzles and games
For example, a pocket-sized set of cards entitled ‘Professor Puzzler’s Ultimate Cocktail Quiz’. Clearly you do not give a bugger whether the game is ever played and were already at the tills and unwilling to spend more than two quid.

Film that everyone has seen
Nothing says ‘this is a token gesture’ like a DVD of a film the recipient is 99.99 per cent to have seen. Introduce them to neglected cinematic classics like The Shawshank Redemption, Die Hard 3 or Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Inflatable travel pillow
Or indeed anything mildly useful but is incredibly dull. Other grimly tedious gift ideas include gardening gloves, a set of coasters, an egg-poaching device, a small corkboard or, to really show your indifference, a hand-turned wooden shoehorn.

Tiny amount of alcohol with a glass
All supermarkets sell gift sets of a miniature and a glass with the logo on. These provide an unsatisfying hit of two units of alcohol and imply the recipient has a frankly weird loyalty to Harveys Bristol Cream.