Dawkins uncovers Vatican honey plot

RICHARD Dawkins is in hiding after discovering a Catholic plot to stockpile honey.

While having some honey confiscated at airport security, the academic noticed a group of nuns and priests speaking furtively into their sleeves.

Dawkins said: “When the first plane hit the World Trade Centre in 2001 I looked down at my Gales on toast and muttered ‘And so it begins’. Now we are reaching endgame.

“The Muslims are just patsies, pawns for the Vatican to distract the world from their true plan – complete dominion over the world’s honey supply.

“Soon the bees will be extinct and this staple condiment will only be available to those who go to church and stay throughout the whole service.

“And once they’ve got all the honey – marmalade, jam and even lemon curd will be next.

“And the only thing standing between us and a world of dry croissants is one Professor Richard Dawkins.”

The god-dodging biologist has spent the last twelve years solving a series of cryptic puzzles based on passages of the bible that refer to bees, and hieroglyphs found on the side of apiaries.

Dawkins said: “I have evidence of orgies in Rome with bishops and the Pope gorging themselves on stolen condiments which I will discuss in my next book Atheists Wouldn’t Ask You To Take Your Fucking Shoes Off In An Airport.”

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Wenger pays out on Arsenal winning league

ARSENAL manager Arséne Wenger has offered to pay in full any bets on his club winning the Premier League.

Following the 2-0 win against Liverpool on Saturday, Wenger told press that he would be “wasting everyone’s time” if he pretended any other club was in with a chance.

He continued: “We’re five points ahead, it’ll be ten by Christmas, and I fully expect us to grab three of the four Champion’s League places at the end of the season.

“Mathematically there is still a chance we could lose. But come on. Right now the club’s main focus is the legal challenge that will let our under-16 team enter and win the FA Cup.”

Wenger then removed a thick sheaf of banknotes from his back pocket and began dispensing them out to fans who’d bet on Arsenal’s league victory, while apologising for making it look so easy.

The club will hold an open-top bus victory parade around the UK following next Sunday’s game against Manchester United, who under David Moyes’s management will be relegated if they don’t win by eight clear goals.

Moyes admitted that further losses could put them in danger of a historic double relegation, which would send them down to League One or even the Conference North.

Meanwhile Arsenal play Borussia Dortmund in the Champion’s League on Wednesday, and have already announced that if they win, they’re taking home striker Robert Lewandowski.