Trafficked fish forced to nibble feet

FISH from around the globe are being brought to the UK and forced to eat human foot tissue in sleazy ‘spas’.

Sprat-like fish Emma Bradford was taken from a Croatian island and made to suck pensioners’ verrucas.

She said: “The men who brought me here said if I didn’t eat feet I would be deep fried and served with chips.

“The public seems to think our natural diet is dead skin cells, and that this makes it ok. However most foot spa fish would prefer to eat normal fish stuff, like plankton.

“Who wants to chew some fat guy’s dirty old corn?”

 

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Cold carriers face legal action

ANYONE catching a cold can sue the person who gave it to them, according to an EU ruling.

Legal experts ruled that anyone too ignorant to cover their sneezing nose with paper was effectively stealing several days of life from those around them.

Human rights lawyer Dr Mary Fisher said: “They would come into our workplaces, our cafes, our homes and disperse mucus without fear of redress.

“Every Lemsip, every soiled tissue, every episode of Dickinson’s Real Deal groaned through should be paid for.”

Successful claimant Stephen Malley said: “I told my brother-in-law. I said, you’d better not give me that cold. But he did, and now he has to sell his house.

“Good.”

The ruling has established a lengthy chain of claims which could eventually include 65% of the population, with every carrier sued initiating legal proceedings against the person infected them.

Roy Hobbs, who brought the original case, said: “I was laid up in bed with an absolute stinker on my birthday in November last year while the colleague who gave it to me went out to a firework display.

“Unfortunately, that infection of rhinopharyngitis has, over the course of a full year, been traced back to me again and I now owe 2,319,044 people more than £26 billion in damages.”