Derek Acorah banishes family's dignity

TV spiv Derek Acorah has perfomed a mysterious ritual to rid an ordinary family of its self-esteem.

The former professional footballer is the star of hit TV series, including Scooby Doo House, Derek Acorah’s Creaky Staircase and Fireside Tales of Lost Dignity.

He arrived at the terraced Wolverhampton home after the family’s eight year-old told his babysitter that he had to be allowed stay up and watch Predator II because there was a floating pensioner in his bedroom trying to touch him.

Acorah said: “From the moment I arrived, I could feel a powerful aura filling the building. It was so potent I could actually taste it, like licking the rough side of raw tripe.

“The only way to exorcise such a manifestation is with a mysterious ritual that completely sucks the self-respect out of everyone present.

“So I gathered the family and got them to hold hands while I assumed the character of a 19th-century lesbian pickpocket amputee chimney sweep called Arthur Doris Griggs and spat on each of them in turn while shouting ‘I need boiled sweeties but Jimmy’s took me farthing’.”

Home owner Susan McKay, said: “I’m a pretty down to earth person so when Derek said he could strip me of my dignity in less than five minutes I was sceptical, to say the least.

“But it worked. When he screamed ‘Dottie’s in the pantry and she’s got a cock’ and fell into my arms sobbing, I actually felt my self-respect rushing from my body like a massive burp.

“One of Derek’s camera crew took a still and you can actually see it. It’s a wobbly, brown blob, a bit like a floating casserole.”



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Britain grants asylum to hilariously-named terrorist

BRITAIN last night offered safe haven to Colonel Gaddafi’s charmingly-named terrorist sidekick.

Moussa Koussa arrived in the UK on a British military jet and immediately promised not to threaten to kill anyone this time.

He was Libya’s ambassador in London in 1980 when he publicly announced that some people he didn’t like should be murdered before returning to Libya where no-one makes a fuss about that sort of thing.

Experts said that while he was Libya’s intelligence chief he acquired the hilarious nickname ‘Gaddafi’s fingernail puller’. He is also the suspected mastermind behind the Lockerbie bombing and is often mistaken for a cartoon elephant.

Tom Logan, senior research fellow at the Royal Institute for Fighting, said: “I’m not sure whether having your fingernails removed is more or less painful if the person who’s doing it sounds like a character from The Lion King.”

Foreign Office sources last night stressed that Moussa Koussa had not been immediately arrested and thrown in a pit because he may know whether or not Colonel Gaddafi has a secret volcano with a huge laser hidden inside it.

A senior official said: “We have to find out about the laser one way or another, while at all times retaining the option to put him up in a 16 room apartment in Belgravia.

“This will also send a message to other senior regime members that no matter how many people they killed with their bare hands, Britain will treat them like a Saudi.”

But Moussa Koussa’s defection last night provoked a renewed bout of introspection amongst Britain’s university educated middle class.

Martin Bishop, from Hatfield, said: “If you can spend your entire working life killing and torturing people before betraying your former colleagues and hopping on a plane to freedom and champagne then I’m beginning to think that accountancy was a huge mistake.”

Helen Archer, a personnel manager from Finsbury Park, added: “I would have been brilliant at not only torturing people and betraying people but also pretending to be sorry for it while living in Eaton Square.

“Bloody careers adviser can fuck right off.”