Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’ve fallen in love with an absolutely
wonderful man who is kind and funny and loving. The only issue is
that he’s in jail for armed robbery and aggravated assault. We met
through one of those prison pen pal schemes, which I got involved
with soon after my last relationship went wrong. I’ve always had
trouble hanging on to men, but I’ve realised that I won’t face this
problem with a convicted criminal. One day a few weeks ago, I sat
down and wrote a short letter about myself and next thing I know, I’m
in the throes of romance with a lovely, dangerous man called Boycie.
Although we’re really happy together, some of my interfering
relatives are trying to make me end the relationship and now I am
faced with the decision to cut all ties with my family or give up my
knight in shining armour. To be honest, it’s not a hard decision to
make, but I am worried that it might be hard to shake off some of my
younger children. Do you think I’m doing the right thing?

Dear Gwen,
Getting involved with a bad boy might
seem like an exciting thing to do at the time, but believe me, it’ll
only end in tears. One summer, bored of playing with my Barbies, I
made the mistake of accepting a backie on Oliver French’s BMX, little
realising that I was embarking on a rollercoaster ride of
mischeviousness and petty crime. I still think fondly of that wild
afternoon, where Oliver taught me how to wrap a dog turd in
newspaper, light it, and leave it flaming on the doorstep of an
unsuspecting pensioner. Together, in a fog of young love, we
mutilated a range of insects and vandalised public property with a
Sharpie he had stolen from Asda. But the fun ended abruptly when my
granny spotted me doing the flaming dog turd trick at the door of her
best friend, Elsie. Oliver scarpered, leaving me broken hearted and
at the mercy of a demented old boot who thinks corporal punishment is
the vernacular of youth. What I learned from this incident is that
bad boys might be lots of fun, but they’ll not hang around when the
going gets tough, so I suggest you end this doomed relationship
unless you fancy a very sore bottom and no pocket money for a month.
Hope that helps!

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Miliband grasping at straws

ED Miliband thinks getting married should do the trick, it has been confirmed.

Following the Labour leader’s decision to be the warm up act for an anarchist riot, Miliband hopes to win over middle England by finally getting round to marrying the mother of his two children.

Miliband insisted the decision is based solely on the ‘twin pillars of romance and commitment’ but insiders said the move carried the unmistakable stench of Campbell.

A senior Labour source said: “Alastair always believes in taking control of the story. That’s why when he found out the News of the World was going to splash on Robin Cook’s affair he told Robin to dump his wife of 28 years while they were at an airport.

“Sure enough, the agenda was changed and the foreign secretary wound up looking like an even bigger piece of shit.

“If Alastair was not involved in a decision as crass, transparent and badly timed as this then it means we have finally found his successor.”

But experts stressed that following the hype of the Royal wedding it will be good for Britain to be brought back to reality by the soul crushing spectacle of a pair of socialists reluctantly giving in to the Daily Mail.

Nathan Muir, professor of celebrity weddings at Reading University, said: “It’ll probably be a civil ceremony with communist hippy vows and they’ll go on honeymoon to Neil Kinnock’s birthplace.

“The whole thing will be utterly fucking hellish.”

Meanwhile the Labour leader stressed he will not have a best man because the last thing he needs is his bride looking at his brother and wishing she was with the other Miliband.