Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? Who’s y…really? Well this is a tad awkward.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
An excellent day all round as your loud fart on the bus appears to bark the opening notes to Herb Alpert’s Spanish Flea.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Well done, your name is finally ‘trending’ on Twitter. In association with the term ‘dog video’.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A proud moment this week when your toddler manages to scrawl their first offensive graffiti on the side of their Barney the Dinosaur DVD. Anatomically incorrect, but still, a marvellous effort.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you realise that the only thing better than sex is sex with condiments.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Time to get that gambling problem looked at after you’re arrested in WH Smith for sacrificing a chicken all over the Lotto kiosk.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your thoughtful and fascinating film of early cave paintings in France is sadly let down by a complete lack of anthropomorphic animals.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You shouldn’t be so utterly absorbed in self-loathing. We’d all like a chance to despise you.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week, a splinter of Jupiter breaks free, flies across the vast distances of the cosmos and hits you on the cock as you’re having a crafty gypsy in some bushes. Typical.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
God only knows what I’d be without you. Take your pick between ‘solvent’ and ‘free from disease’.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Maybe it’s time to start tipping your pizza delivery boy when the last 15″ pizza has the word ‘prick’ written in little anchovies.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re working for the Benefits Agency, it may be better to learn the correct terms for various disabilities rather than simply being able to do a really good impression of them.