Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? Who’s y…really? Well this is a tad awkward.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
An excellent day all round as your loud fart on the bus appears to bark the opening notes to Herb Alpert’s Spanish Flea.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Well done, your name is finally ‘trending’ on Twitter. In association with the term ‘dog video’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A proud moment this week when your toddler manages to scrawl their first offensive graffiti on the side of their Barney the Dinosaur DVD. Anatomically incorrect, but still, a marvellous effort.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you realise that the only thing better than sex is sex with condiments.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Time to get that gambling problem looked at after you’re arrested in WH Smith for sacrificing a chicken all over the Lotto kiosk.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your thoughtful and fascinating film of early cave paintings in France is sadly let down by a complete lack of anthropomorphic animals.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You shouldn’t be so utterly absorbed in self-loathing. We’d all like a chance to despise you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week, a splinter of Jupiter breaks free, flies across the vast distances of the cosmos and hits you on the cock as you’re having a crafty gypsy in some bushes. Typical.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
God only knows what I’d be without you. Take your pick between ‘solvent’ and ‘free from disease’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Maybe it’s time to start tipping your pizza delivery boy when the last 15″ pizza has the word ‘prick’ written in little anchovies.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re working for the Benefits Agency, it may be better to learn the correct terms for various disabilities rather than  simply being able to do a really good impression of them.


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Mob seeks new thing to be angry about

ENRAGED people may be forced to return to their slightly depressing lives unless they can find a new cause, it has emerged.

The angry mob, who had been shouting a lot outside a building they believed was the site of a trial but was actually the remains of a Courts Furniture Superstore, have been enjoying being definitely the goodies for once.

Mob member Tom Logan said: “I’m not saying I like it when awful things happen, but it does sort of make things reassuringly simple.

“It’s nice when we’re all agreed on something for a change.

“Looking around at the other mob members, I’m fairly certain I have in the past hit several of them with big bits of wood while drunk. Yet here we all are, united by our common humanity.”

He added: “Being in an angry mob is a really good social experience. I’ve swapped email addresses with other mob members and we will definitely stay in touch.

“But I don’t think our current cause will last forever. And if we don’t figure out a new one soon it’ll be back to standing outside Wetherspoons in the afternoon while looking menacing.”

Mob veteran, Bill McKay, said: “Apparently someone called Darth Vader is building something called a Death Star. And he thinks he can get away with it just because he’s a fictional character.

“So we could go and shout at that, in outer space.”

He added: “Regardless of whether you think it’s a good idea to spend your afternoons yelling ‘string him up by the balls’ while burning down a paediatrician’s house, at least we have the courage of our our convictions.”