Stricken nuclear plant looks like Fern Britton

AS the Fukushima nuclear power station teeters on the brink of a catastrophic meltdown, someone has pointed out that it looks a bit like Fern Britton.

Helen Archer, a housewife from Stevenage, said she was looking at a satellite photo of the plant on the internet when she was struck by its resemblance to the daytime TV presenter and gastric band wrestler.

Archer revealed: “I said to my husband, ‘that massive nuclear power station in Japan that won’t stop exploding looks a bit like Fern Britton, doesn’t it?’.

“And he said ‘yes, it does’ and so I took a picture of the photograph with my phone and put it on the internet.

“Next thing I know it’s been retweeted by Natasha Kaplinsky and now everybody is using up part of their life to talk about it.”

Meanwhile even the engineers battling the steadily worsening crisis
at the tsunami-hit plant have been struck by the Fern Britton-ness of
their insanely dangerous workplace.

Yusho Takamori said: “Oh that’s brilliant. It totally does.”

But his colleague Ito Hotoshi said: “I think it looks more like Lorraine Kelly.”

Fukushima is the latest building that obviously looks like a famous person. A Tesco Metro in Finsbury Park has been listed thanks to its similarity to Princess Anne, a former council house in Peterborough was transformed into Ernie Wise after the addition of a conservatory and last month a pro-choice atheist spent two hours arguing with a derelict church full of horse manure after mistaking it for Anne Widdecombe.




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Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Don’t regret your past: a peasant’s perspective.

IN 1754 the market town of Yate was a dire place to live. Unless you were rich you lived in dank, dark, cold wooden shacks. The days were spent wandering the forest, collecting  wood to warm your undernourished frame. When you weren’t looking for sticks you were picking turnips out of a sodden field so you could raise enough money to buy a new pair of itchy trousers. I hated every minute of it and worst of all I had a dark secret that I couldn’t share with anyone. A secret that tormented me and kept me awake at night – what the would the 18th Century locals do to me if they found my iPhone?

Yes, I recently travelled back in time and not only did living conditions suck arse, I couldn’t even capitalise on any of the knowledge I had gained from living in the 21st Century. I actually don’t know how to make Coke from raw ingredients (boiling an egg, a walnut, some hair and a bit of tree bark comes close, but then you have the problem of the bubbles) so I couldn’t start a soft drinks company and make loads of money. Worse still, all the hot girls had really, really bad teeth so my advanced love making techniques were redundant.  

Some of you may not believe time travel is possible, but why then, when I woke back up in 2011 was my wife Paew Pang sleeping at the other end of the bed?  There is no other answer. I interrogated Paew Pang for an hour on my whereabouts and, revealingly, she was unable to answer me in English.

Whether I travelled back in time or not, who’s to say? You can’t prove I didn’t so don’t even try. But the experience of being a hard up, but handsome peasant with strong thighs provided an important life lesson. What you did in the past doesn’t matter. So many of us are held back by our previous actions and decisions. Whether we split up with the wrong woman, invested badly or drilled a peephole into a public toilet.

The past can be changed. Even if I somehow didn’t go back in time, other people are going to go soon and everything is going to get weird,  and this could affect your relationships and small business ideas.

So don’t sit around and wait –  change your life tomorrow, last week, or whatever bit of time you currently think you’re in.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of Solve Your Problems Using a Time Machine.