Former record shop staff at large in normal society

THE closure of record shops is exposing the general public to the borderline humans that worked in them, it has emerged.

The shops are becoming extinct as major labels like U2’s Mercury Records increasingly market their remaining CDs as big earrings or bird scarers, while vinyl has become the exclusive preserve of balding men who think Robert Elms is a modern lifestyle shaman.

But experts warn that ex-record shop staff will be unable to function in mainstream society.

Music industry analyst, Tom Logan, said: “After someone has worked in a record shop for more than five years, they become introverted, wary of females, develop unhygienic facial hair and have the general demeanour of a sexually frustrated dungeon master.

“These are not transferable skills.”

He added: “Without a counter to slouch behind, they are robbed of their power, like Nosferatu in daylight but with a stained Jesus and Mary Chain tour t-shirt from 1985 instead of a cloak.

“It’s only a matter of time before one of them does something hideous on public transport.”

Stephen Malley aka ‘Ape’, formerly head of pre-1979 progressive rock and Brazilian sex film soundtracks at Hackney’s Toad Records, said: “I don’t care what anyone thinks of me as I have an original mono pressing of Esoteric Wolf Dimension Inhabitor by the Disciples of Trung, with the embossed full colour sleeve in near mint or near mint minus condition, depending on which grading system you favour.

“And that is why it’s fine for me to lob my faeces at people while wandering around bus stations naked from the waist down.”

He added: “Some people have recommended that I experience something called ‘human female vagina’. But I’ve looked in the Record Collector price guide and it doesn’t seem to have a catalogue number.

“It can’t be that good anyway or I’d have heard it.”



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Different car shapes most appealing thing about UK town centres

BANNING cars from UK town centres would rob urban Britain of its most attractive feature, it has been claimed.

The European Union wants to ban cars from all town centres by 2050, but experts say that will force people to look at the buildings and each other.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Without cars a stroll through a typical UK town centre would be an assault on the eyes so severe the EU would be forced to charge itself with a human rights violation.

“The last time I was in the middle of Swindon the only thing that stopped me from puking my load was the sight of a 2009 Ford Kuga.

“Luckily it parked in just the right spot, blocking my view of not only a bloated, pasty incapacity benefit claimant but the Disney Store he was attempting to waddle out of.

“Then, as if guided by a guardian angel, one of these new Jaguar XJs eased in front of a particularly horrific Burger King, sparing me the sight of a window full of grunting, fat-slurping troglodytes and their cretinous, blank-eyed spawn.”

He added: “I would gladly suck the tailpipe of a beautifully sculpted Audi Q5 than stand unprotected in the middle of Swindon as the concrete tombstones and failed human experiments closed in on me like an army of unbearably hideous vampire zombies.”

An EU spokesman said: “We sometimes forget how monstrous urban Britain really is. They could have preserved their architectural heritage if only they’d had the foresight to surrender to Hitler.

“Still at least they’ve now got lots of lovely Volkswagens to look at. So all credit to Hitler for that.”