Do Chris Martin Next, Says Everyone

THE man who punched Leona Lewis in the side of the head was last night urged to have a pop at Chris Martin when he has a minute.

The unnamed assailant was arrested moments after the incident in central London as people across Britain urged magistrates to release him on bail so he can continue with his important work.

Tom Logan, director of the campaign group Do Chris Martin! Do Chris Martin! said: "Leona Lewis sounds like a transgender version of Whitney Houston who should really be in front of a mirror with a hairbrush.

"But there is a vast gulf between singing badly and singing badly while telling me to buy very expensive vegetables while you get paid millions of pounds a year for singing badly. And he named his kid after a fruit."

Mr Logan added: "I'm not saying we should do any lasting damage to Chris Martin. Not as such. But in these troubled times, a hefty clip round the ear would surely make us all feel better. I fail to see how it couldn't."

Emma Bradford, from Doncaster, added: "If someone is going round spanking pop stars on the noggin, I have a list.

"Bono, obviously – I'll lend you the cricket bat; Robbie Williams – I've just always wanted to make him cry; and Paul McCartney – you should swipe at him with a leg of lamb.

"And then of course there's Chris de Burgh. Admittedly that's not so much a blow to the head as it is a car battery, a pair of sturdy clamps, a jar of lemon curd and a box full of fire ants.

"But I'm saving that one for myself."

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JJB Drops 'Sports' From Title After Admitting It Was Fooling Nobody

JJB Sports, the troubled high street vendor of television watching apparel, has finally dropped the 'Sports' from its name.

The company admitted the word simply led to confusion and would only be reinstated if collecting incapacity benefit is included in the 2012 London Olympics.

Brand consultant Tom Logan, backed the move, adding: "Athletic achievement has never been a top priority for their customer base. The most gruelling exercise they get is a round trip from the sofa and back via Greggs and Cash Convertors.

"I know you think I'm being a bastard here, but come on. Yeah?"

The store's new title has yet to be finalised, although the favourites include 'JJB Sits', 'JJB Clothes with Writing On' and the more direct 'Free Cakes Here'.

Logan said: "The store appeals to a diverse demographic including people who do minor cheque book fraud and teenage boys who masturbate over Nuts magazine while fantasising about owning a Vectra with the word 'Turbo' written on the door in marker pen, as well as the congenitally wide and/or hefty."

He added: "You'll notice that I didn't include Linford Christie or Daley Thompson in that list."

Wayne Hayes, a JJB customer who is currently off work with a bad back, said: "I go there once a month to buy jogging trousers. I think jogging is a type of console game where you shoot zombie crabs.

"They have an excellent selection of casual and smart tracksuits. I got a cracking bespoke shell suit with stripes down the side and a logo of two naked birds holding each other by the tits that I wore for my uncle Pete's wedding."