Don't get excited, I've seen it, it's shit, says Kate

THE Duchess of Cambridge has warned Britain not to bother waiting for photos of her new nephew because he is ‘bang average’. 

Kate spent less than a minute holding the baby before handing it back, and was photographed smoking on the cottage patio five minutes later telling a friend that it is ‘small and not the best-looking baby ever’. 

She continued: “They’ll release the photos later on or something and you’ll see for yourself. It’s meh. 

“Sorry, I should say he, but you can’t really tell. It’s just scrunched up and red. My George was so cute, even as a newborn when you couldn’t tell he was going to be King. 

“And my second was a real princess, you know? An actual for reals Princess. Not like theirs would’ve been if they’d had a girl, which they might as well as because they’re basically Kardashians.” 

The Duchess added: “Don’t get worked up about the name, either. It’s ghastly.”  

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Airbeds voted best way of preventing house guests

PUTTING guests up on an inflatable mattress has been proven the most effective way of ensuring nobody stays overnight.

Experts have confirmed that airbeds, bought for £13 from a supermarket earlier that afternoon and half-pumped up that afternoon, send a clear message from hosts to guests about how welcome they truly are.

Carolyn Ryan of Leeds said: “I moved house, broke the sofa-bed, and got an air mattress in for Christmas. I haven’t had any of them overnight since.

“Whether it’s my elderly parents sleeping on basically a fat mat on the floor, my sister’s kids waking them up by using it as a trampoline, or friends who have to pump it up themselves pissed at 2am, they all hate it.

“They should market them as ‘100 per cent effective house guest prevention’. Or your money back.”

Stephen Malley, aged 32, agreed: “My old futon was just comfortable enough for people to stay for a couple of nights without needing more than three chiropractic appointments.

“Since I swapped it for an air bed, I’ve been guest-free. I love my friends and family but not like weekends.”