Friday, 10th July 2020

Man horrified to discover he has two children and a mortgage

A MAN has been shocked by the realisation that he has two children and a mortgage.

38-year-old Joseph Cook woke this morning to discovery two small-gremlin like creatures bouncing on his bed, one of which wore a nappy full of shit.

He said: “I was woken from a blissful dream by a smell-arsed goblin sitting on my face, demanding 'juice'. I screamed, and a woman wearing pyjamas rushed into the room.

“She explained that we had been married for eight years and the mewling homunculi were our children and we have to look after them forever.

“I was like ‘fuck’. She went on to explain that the place we were in was ‘our house’, which we had bought with money borrowed off the bank and we have to pay off every month.

“I asked how long that would be going on for and she said ‘until we die’. I was like 'oh shit'.

“Then she said, ‘I’m going to work, sort the kids out, stop drinking so much, and by the way you work in an office’, and slammed the door in a moody way.