Don't make me go on Love Island, warns Prince Andrew

THE Duke of York has warned senior Royals that he does not want to go on Love Island but he will if he has to and he will f**king win. 

Frozen out of royal life and demanding a way back in, Andrew is thought to have stumbled across Love Island last week and to immediately have realised he is a natural for it.

He said: “Single? Me. Lone tenuous claim to fame? Me. Perfected the art of appearing to listen to women while paying no attention whatsoever? Over many, many years.

“Flawless physique, fascinating gym routine, deep and abiding interest in women much younger than myself? I’m ticking every box here. At the age of 62 I have found my calling.

“Do I want to? Well, I’m much more used to being a Royal, standing on balconies in a uniform etcetera, but I think my skills would be transferable. And afterwards if you’re a successful couple you make appearances for money which is just like Ferg and me.

“If Ekin-Su wants to test my claim I can’t sweat first-hand, the invitation is extended. Yes I do still live with my mother but it’s a very big house.”

Nephew Prince William said: “It’s an absolute no, just like it was for Platinum Party at the Palace, Britain’s Got Talent and Bargain Hunt. Prick.”

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Flight attendants and other professions that smile while they hate you

AIRLINE staff maintain a warm smile even for hen parties on gin who need a piss during take-off. These careers pay you for kindness to arseholes: 

Flight attendants

Cabin crew used to be an envied job, with downtime in Tahiti drinking Campari and soda by swimming pools, flirting with men called Paolo and women called Suki. Now it involves herding pissed-off cattle onto planes, keeping them from kicking off for three hours and grinning throughout. The grins are of loathing.


It’s remarkable how nurses maintain their chipper demeanour in the face of everything from aggressive drunks to whiners to death. It can’t be the low wages, long hours or being fined £100 by the hospital car park for overstaying by nine minutes. It must be the warm glow of knowing that Boris once stood outside No 10 and clapped them.


Secondary school? Adolescent twats. Primary school? A defecation accident is never far away. And all of them have to put up with the parents blaming them for their thick kids and the government blaming them for being paid. Teachers smile on the outside while inwardly screaming abuse at their knobhead charges.

Cinema workers

Popcorn in the dark makes all the mess you’d expect. They know full well you’re smuggling a bag of M&Ms in your armpit and spill a tub of half-drunk Pepsi over a seat. When they smile and say ‘Enjoy the movie’ they actually mean ‘I’m glad that film sucks, because I f**king despise you’.

Sex workers

Whether stripper or prostitute, just as objectionable as the thought of the sweaty no-neck punter thrusting away at you is the smile you’re required to paste on for them, to make it seem like the whole thing’s a fun lark. Which it definitely isn’t because otherwise the guy wouldn’t be paying for sex.

Your employees

They greet you beaming every morning, laugh at your jokes and invite you to the pub after work. But it’s not real. They only put up with your bellendery through gritted teeth. It’s called survival and ensures that when you’re deciding which poor schmuck to dump the shit jobs on it’s always Terry who smiles insincerely so deserves it.