35-year-old man unsure if he wants kids feeling zero pressure about it

A 35-YEAR-OLD man still to make up his mind about becoming a parent has not been asked about his plans by anyone, ever.

Claim examiner Joshua Hudson, who has frittered away his youth with work, the pub and the freedom to do whatever he likes, has not once been questioned about his plans to have children or warned about any ticking clock.

He said: “Are children as magical as mortgage adverts would have me believe, or should I just enjoy my life of uninterrupted conversations and spare cash? It seems it’s up to me.

“I’m not with anyone. Meeting the right woman, settling down, and having children could take years. I should start now but since there’s no-one on my back about doing it I’ll play Resident Evil instead and think about it again in a decade.”

Sister Anna said: “Mum’s been telling me I’d die full of regrets if I didn’t bring forth new life into the world ever since I started menstruating because she ‘didn’t want to be an old grandmother’.

“Josh is galloping towards 40 without any expectation he’ll ever nurture anything beyond the black mould in his bathroom. The twat.”

Hudson said: “It’s great not to have any stress to make this life-altering decision. Is this the patriarchy in action? Or does everyone think I’d be a shit Dad?”

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Culture war veteran holds two minutes' silence for problematic TV

A VETERAN of Britain’s bloody culture wars is holding a two minutes’ silence for the TV shows which fell to the onslaughts of the woke. 

Martin Bishop, aged 58, served on the frontlines of the culture war from 2018 to the present day by sitting on his sofa scrolling Twitter, and today is taking time to remember all the badly dated TV that did not survive the conflict.

He said: “Little Britain, Jonah From Tonga and On The Buses were more than just television programmes to me. They were my brothers.

“They were what kept me strong. When I couldn’t summon the courage to wade into another comments section, armed only with erroneous facts and native prejudice, I’d look at a photo of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum I kept in a locket and soldier on.

“My heart hurts for what we’ve lost, our children growing up in a world without Love Thy Neighbour or Mind Your Language. Sure, they’re on Britbox, but they’ve been horribly butchered by cutting all the ‘offensive’ bits.

“So once a year veterans like me hold a silence where we remember Jim Davidson’s Big Break and pay our respects. Farewell, Granada’s The Comedians with Bernard Manning. We shall not see your like again.

Playing a haunting rendition of The Benny Hill Show theme on a bugle, he added: “We must never forget. Though personally I thought The Black & White Minstrel Show was well dodgy.”