Society has evolved past the need for estate agents, say scientists

HUMANITY no longer needs pushy twats who show you around houses they have never been to before and know nothing about, scientists believe. 

New research has revealed that the profession, hated across all cultures, should have died out the moment you could put pictures of a house and its floorplan on the internet.

Dr Helen Archer said: “We can land a robot on a comet, but we still somehow need wankers who drive too fast in their shiny Mini Coopers and are disappointed you’re not free for an uninformed tour at 10am on a Wednesday.

“There are loads of jobs for that kind of bellend – finance, mobile phone contracts, cryptocurrencies – so why are they getting in the way of our buying houses? Do we really need a middleman in place just to claim they haven’t had anything from your solicitor?

“Fire them all tomorrow, everyone puts their houses on Rightmove themselves, take the estate agents to the sea and release them to start new lives, far from sought-after cul-de-sacs and en-suite wet rooms.

“Maybe they won’t live. That’s evolution for you. Smallpox died out and we don’t miss it.”

Estate agent James Bates said: “Necessary? Perhaps not. But does it give me an artificially inflated sense of power and importance, making me bolt-hard? Yes.”

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Britain sending 'em back where they don't come from

THE UK has begun its new immigration policy of sending them back to where they do not come from and have never previously been. 

Today’s flight to Rwanda begins a long-awaited common-sense immigration scheme of removing illegal immigrants 4,200 miles away to central Africa regardless of their country of origin.

Norman Steele, aged 72, said: “About time we sent ‘em all back to a country of equivalent value to the one they came from. See how they like that.

“These lefties say that an Iranian asylum seeker’s never been to Rwanda and won’t know the language. Well, they should have thought of that before they tried to get into a country where they spoke the language and had family.

“Anyway, it is where they come from because it’s foreign and they’re foreign. If they expect us to differentiate between foreigners that shows they weren’t paying attention to Brexit.

“They’ll love it there because it’s hot and sunny with elephants and lions and that like what they’re used to. Rwanda’s very welcoming and friendly apart from one minor genocide, and that was years ago.”

He added: “Yep, this seven-person flight to a randomly chosen country has sorted immigration out in Britain for good. And all it took was a bit of common sense.”