Biker shorts, and other fashion trends that show off a lot of anatomy

THIS summer, it’s all about showing off your body in a way that brings to mind well-thumbed medical textbooks. Jump on these trends: 

Biker shorts

Wearing these on a bike at least allows the possibility of a saddle blocking observers’ view of your intimate folds, or moving too fast to get a good look. So wear them on the high street to make everyone wince as they glance at your exquisitely delineated crotch.

Grey joggers

A look for gents who don’t want to waste data sending a dick pic; choose the wrong shade of soft cotton and it may as well be a bridal veil. It’s a great way to be able to be a fully nude life model without chilling your balls off.

Superskinny jeans

A less relaxed, harder partying look that will also leave anyone catching sight of you below the waist very much less relaxed. It’s the same vivid vision of the male appendage, but this time how it’d look in one of those vacuum-sealed bags mums put in the loft.

Yoga pants

Show off having achieved inner peace by sticking these on, proving you’ve transcended the material world by not being in the least bothered by camel toe. If only others were so enlightened, they wouldn’t need to stare fixedly away.

Low-rise trousers

A rare chance for anatomists to get a detailed perspective of the rear of the body, and how fat arses can be. Forget subtle glimpses through layers of fabric, these things ride themselves down for the full builder’s crack.

Daisy Dukes

There’s tight and there’s clothing that goes the extra mile by giving you thrush. Positively gynaecological, the classic denim short-short is no more than a loincloth with metal studs in and as comfortable as that sounds.

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Rwanda flight to be six mannequins and Priti Patel

THE home secretary has vowed that tomorrow’s Rwanda flight will go ahead even if it is just six mannequins and her, glowering furiously. 

Following legal moves to stop the illegal deportation flight, Patel has insisted that it go ahead and secured a stock of shop window dummies who are to bear the brunt of her xenophobic rage.

A Home Office insider said: “She’s been so excited about this flight, emailing at 4am with ideas like ‘put a bomb on board?!’ or ‘can we throw them out over the sea?’.

“It’s all she’s ever wanted. It’s why she went into politics. And now, because of a load of lefty lawyers using left-wing laws in the out-of-touch liberal courts, she’s facing a flight completely denuded of hate figures.

“We’ve had to get mannequins, paint them suitably, dress them up like terrorists and still she’s kicking off because they don’t scream realistically when she beats them.

“Quite frankly I don’t think most of them will last the flight. We’re flying all the way to central Africa to tip a load of broken plastic limbs onto a runway while she stands there panting hard.”

Patel said: “Punishment. There must be punishment. Those dummies must suffer. Also Rwanda is a safe haven and they’ll love it there.”