B&Q has announced that men aged 45 and over can make their birthdays truly special by holding them in their favourite aisle of the store.
The DIY giant is to seize a slice of the party market by catering to middle-aged men who can only experience contentment while wandering their stores, who are allowed to bring six taciturn friends.
B&Q party co-ordinator Nikki Hollis said: “Does the husband or dad in your life react with irritation when called in from the shed to celebrate his own birthday? Here’s the solution.
“Whether they prefer screws and fastenings, steps and ladders or garden equipment, we’ll set up tables, chairs, and cans of warm beer for them and their guests.
“The parties will cater for all dietary requirements and allergies, particularly foods that don’t give heartburn or flare up gout, without any fuss or ceremony. You’ll never have to break off an animated discussion about jetwashing to sit through ‘Happy Birthday’.
“They’re then treated to a visit from a shop assistant who answers three of their questions, allowed to roam the whole store with measuring tape to make whatever inscrutable pencil notations they like, and sent off with a lucky bag of Kendal Mint Cake, assorted nails and washers and a ten per cent discount voucher.”
Birthday boy Stephen Malley, aged 54, said: “It was bloody brilliant, until until my team lost the Guttering Marble Race because of Roy Hobbs’s shoddy sealing. He’s not invited next year.”