Glittering reception celebrates Britain's biggest twats

THE prime minister has hosted a drinks party honouring the economic contribution made by the country’s twats.

The event has been dubbed ‘Twat Britannia II’, a reference to a party held by Tony Blair for twats like Noel Gallagher.

David Cameron said: “We may be a small nation, but Britain produces some massive twats, many of whom end up working in the entertainment industry, bringing idiot joy to millions of total morons.”

The guest list for the event has not been published, but it almost certainly includes Jeremy Clarkson, whoever invented Big Brother and Cheryl Cole.

The event was described by a staff member as “weird and horrible”.

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Xenophobes tested by World Cup

LATTER stages of the World Cup have forced bigots to become more inventive in their national prejudices.

Some viewers are having to devise prejudices about nations they could not locate on a map.

Football and bigotry fan Wayne Hayes said: “When I watched the game last night I knew I hated Germany but I had to consult Wikipedia for stuff to hate Algeria about and Albert Camus didn’t seem reason enough.

“They have pretty bad attitudes toward gays but that’s such an unimaginative reason to think a country is shit and besides, being a bigot about a country because of their bigotry is just too confusing.

“Are they cruel to donkeys, because I could get right behind not liking them for that. Or is that Spain?

“Tonight’s first game features a Nazi-assisting double bill as gold-hoarding Switzerland face war-criminal-hoarding Argentina but USA versus Belgium could prove more problematic.

“I think I’ll just hate America for tonight’s game, mainly because of Justin Bieber, assuming he isn’t Canadian.

“Oh, okay, all of them being really fat, then. That.”