Elon Musk, and five other men that straight men secretly fancy

PURPORTEDLY straight, but utterly infatuated with famous blokes? Here are the six men that give straight guys a heterosexual boner: 

Elon Musk

Weed-smoking, meme-stealing billionaire Elon Musk may date beautiful female celebrities, but it’s his male fans who are the most fervent in their lust for him. Perhaps it’s his obscene level of wealth, perhaps it’s his arsehole route to success, but thousands of men seem to want nothing more than a ride on his SpaceX.

George Clooney

Suave, cultured and hunky to boot, Clooney is understood to be the man every man wants to be and every woman wants to be with. Except women think he’s kind of old now, while red-blooded West Ham fans dream of going boating with him on Lake Como to tell him how great he was in Ocean’s Eleven.

Jon Hamm

It’s not called ‘Mad Women’, is it? Men claim that they enjoyed the period drama for its writing or cinematography, but really they were enthralled by the daytime double bourbons, casual sexism and swooning over Don having his way with them in a swanky New York hotel room.

Vin Diesel

Straight men like cars, but the real reason the Fast & Furious franchise is so popular is they all want to bang Vin Diesel. Like the plot of every single film, his sex appeal is a a true underdog story, proving once and for all that bald men can be hot to the extent of winning over supposed heterosexuals.

Ryan Gosling

Starring in half a dozen romantic comedies hasn’t prevented Ryan Gosling from earning his straight male admirers. His silent and gorgeous performances in Drive and Blade Runner 2049 have given blokey-blokes the world over motivation to sit through La La Land just to add it to the wank bank.

Al Pacino

One of the only men that they’re willing to put up a picture of on their wall, straight guys salivate over Pacino and his wayward character roles. Though they rationalise their feelings by imagining it’s because they’d like to fire a gun and snort a molehill of coke, really they long for a sensual evening of debauchery in Tony Montana’s jacuzzi.

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Man's DIY to-do list wins award for best fantasy novel

A LIST of DIY jobs written by a Wrexham man has won the Hugo award for Best Fantasy Novel. 

Nathan Muir’s list, which extended to two sides of A4, has been compared to Brave New World in its depiction of an ‘almost unimaginable’ future utopia of order and control.

Judge Susan Traherne said: “It begins slowly, with the close-to-conceivable jobs of ‘put picture up’ and ‘paint chimney breast’.

“But quickly and dizzyingly it spirals into a realm of tasks far beyond what any ordinary man, and especially not a clueless twat like Nathan, could possibly comprehend, like ‘retile bathroom’, ‘replace damp course’ and ‘repoint patio’.

“We’ve seen the lot in this job: alien worlds, AI-based societies, infinite parallel universes, all that shit. But we’ve never seen something that plumbs the depths of human delusion and explores mankind’s unrealistic yet persistent vision of metamorphosis and change. It could never, ever happen.”

Wife Sophie Muir said: “It could scarcely have been less realistic if it had included ‘meet Batman’, ‘learn to fly’ and ‘reverse time’.

“This is a house where we got our screwdriver free in a Christmas cracker and have had the wrong time on the oven clock since 2016 because we don’t know how to change it.”

Nathan is understood to be working on a sequel, ‘Finances’, expected to feature ‘change broadband supplier’ and ‘sort pension’.