Friday, 14th May 2021

Elon Musk, and five other men that straight men secretly fancy

PURPORTEDLY straight, but utterly infatuated with famous blokes? Here are the six men that give straight guys a heterosexual boner: 

Elon Musk

Weed-smoking, meme-stealing billionaire Elon Musk may date beautiful female celebrities, but it’s his male fans who are the most fervent in their lust for him. Perhaps it’s his obscene level of wealth, perhaps it’s his arsehole route to success, but thousands of men seem to want nothing more than a ride on his SpaceX.

George Clooney

Suave, cultured and hunky to boot, Clooney is understood to be the man every man wants to be and every woman wants to be with. Except women think he’s kind of old now, while red-blooded West Ham fans dream of going boating with him on Lake Como to tell him how great he was in Ocean’s Eleven.

Jon Hamm

It’s not called ‘Mad Women’, is it? Men claim that they enjoyed the period drama for its writing or cinematography, but really they were enthralled by the daytime double bourbons, casual sexism and swooning over Don having his way with them in a swanky New York hotel room.

Vin Diesel

Straight men like cars, but the real reason the Fast & Furious franchise is so popular is they all want to bang Vin Diesel. Like the plot of every single film, his sex appeal is a a true underdog story, proving once and for all that bald men can be hot to the extent of winning over supposed heterosexuals.

Ryan Gosling

Starring in half a dozen romantic comedies hasn’t prevented Ryan Gosling from earning his straight male admirers. His silent and gorgeous performances in Drive and Blade Runner 2049 have given blokey-blokes the world over motivation to sit through La La Land just to add it to the wank bank.

Al Pacino

One of the only men that they’re willing to put up a picture of on their wall, straight guys salivate over Pacino and his wayward character roles. Though they rationalise their feelings by imagining it’s because they’d like to fire a gun and snort a molehill of coke, really they long for a sensual evening of debauchery in Tony Montana’s jacuzzi.