Elon Musk defenders, and the world's other saddest fanboys

ARE you a brainwashed follower of some of the worst people in the world, parasitically leeching off their dubious success? Here are some truly tragic fanbases. 

Elon Musk stans

Yes, he has a lot of money. No, he won’t give any of it to you. He made some good investments, which is why he’s got billions to waste on colonising the airless Hell of Mars. But he’s not a heroic Ayn Rand superman, he’s a whiny little shit, which is why he called those scuba diving rescuers ‘pedos’ on Twitter, the phenomenally popular website everyone hates now.

Young Conservatives

These twats forgo experimenting with drugs or losing their virginity, preferring to spend their time worshipping and campaigning for MPs that look like Dickensian ghosts. Go and talk to a real girl – not Andrea Leadsom at an anti-EU fringe meeting – and see if it makes you grow out of hating the NHS. Dressing like bank managers and country squires aged 17 is pretty sad too.

Game of Thrones enthusiasts

You watch every second, but the TV series isn’t as good as the 900-page doorstops you call books. You’re still furious about season eight. Genuinely furious, like you could flip out and kill someone who innocently says: ‘Has it got hobbits in it?’ Look, care about the family trees of dragons all you want, you just need to understand that nobody else gives a flying f**k.

Reply guys

Who hasn’t dreamt of a beautiful celebrity noticing and falling in love with us, so reply with alacrity to every Taylor Swift or Florence Pugh tweet. However, the odds of this already fantastical event happening are significantly reduced by your chosen method of romancing them – hundreds of unfunny, unsolicited, stalkerish comments on every single post.

Sneaker heads

Trainers are cool, so collecting them is, in theory, not as loser-ish as collecting dusty old coins or endangered birds’ eggs. But that’s before you’ve seen the state of the kicks they’re spending their life savings on. All kept immaculate in plastic coatings, of course. Nothing says ‘cool’ like being petrified of getting dirt on your shoe.

Chelsea fans

Going on the rampage because your little boys in blue won/lost is perhaps the saddest fanboy behaviour of all. Start following a sport not known for physical violence, such as dressage. Not badminton though. As soon as the last shuttlecock has wafted over the net, the ultra-violent badminton ‘firms’ start carving each other up with Stanley knives.

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The gammon's guide to finding out Christians are in a minority

LESS than half of people in Britain now identify as Christian. Here red-faced Brexiter Roy Hobbs explains how to cope with being a minority when you normally hate them.

Pretend you’ve always been religious

Britain is a Christian country. Woke types pretend Jesus was a Jew who lived in the Middle East, but things were always getting translated wrongly in the olden days. ‘Jesus of Nazareth’ was probably ‘Jesus of Norwich’. Like all real Britons, I’m passionate about Christianity. It’s just that Sunday is a bad time for church because it clashes with going to B&Q.

Claim it’s all Muslims’ fault

If people aren’t Christians, then some other religion must be taking over. I can’t imagine who, but maybe it’s Muslims. The mosques on the telly always look busy, so that confirms it. What do you mean the census says Muslims have only increased by 1.7 per cent? That’s not many, especially once you deduct all the suicide bombers. Who else can I blame?

Get even angrier with lefty liberal atheists

The other lot destroying this once-great country are lefty liberals who call themselves atheists to sound clever. They’ve literally made me a minority in my own country, but I don’t see atheists sending a diversity officer round to give me a free flat. Also how do they know God doesn’t exist? Been to every bit of outer space to check he’s not there, have they? Idiots.

Under no circumstances feel any empathy

You’d think that as a minority I might be able to put myself in the shoes of other races or the LGBTQ community. But if I started not hating all the mad mullahs and gender benders I couldn’t enjoy being angry all the time. I’m all for ‘love thy neighbour’, but in the sitcom sense, ie. having a good laugh at anyone who isn’t white.

Still never go to church

Does this mean I’ll start going to church? Let’s face it, listening to some bloke – or, worse, some hysterical woman – droning on about casting the first stone is boring when you could be ranting about the latest attack on us white Christians in the Mail on Sunday. I’ll go for weddings, funerals and Christmas, and only then if I’m guaranteed a free mince pie or a sausage roll.