Eoghan's Scrotum As Bald As A Coot, Says Diana

X-FACTOR sweetheart Diana Vickers last night said she loved fellow contestant Eoghan Quigg but had not had sex with him yet because he's only five.

Vickers, who hopes to win an Oscar quite soon, said the Irish child star had been very easy to babysit for, even though he did keep grabbing her breasts.

She told Shit magazine: "I love him to bits. He's so round and bouncy. And I can't understand a word he says, which helps a lot."

But Vickers dismissed suggestions that she and Quigg had consummated their relationship, adding: "What the fucking hell are you talking about, you pervert?

"He's two foot six, he still eats mashed food and he spends most of his day rubbing jam on his face and banging pots with a big wooden spoon.

"He is very open about his feelings though. Last week he came up to me, pulled down his trousers and pants and started tugging on his little willy. His scrotum reminded me of Yul Brynner.

"It's really just his way of saying 'hello, pay attention to me'. It's adorable."

But Vickers admitted she and Quigg would become lovers eventually, adding: "The magazine editors have explained how it all works and have promised to make sure I am famous forever.

"Plus, they have my spaniel."

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Try Not To Vomit On Each Other, Say Docs

OFFICE workers can halt the spread of the winter vomiting virus by not vomiting on each other, doctors said last night.

NHS Direct issued urgent advice amid predictions there was going to be loads and loads of sick everywhere.

Dr Tom Logan, chairman of the department of health's vomit committee, said: "The quickest way for this virus to spread is for you to go into work while you're infected and start puking all over everyone's desks.

"The chances are you'll also have chucked-up over all the people on the bus and have left little puddles of sick between the bus stop and the office."

Dr Logan added: "I know you really want to come into work while you're being turned inside out, but the fact is you're not helping. Indeed, I would go so far as to say you are vomit's accomplice.

"So the key thing we have to remember here is: Don't keep vomiting over everybody.

"Instead, stay at home, watch telly, drink plenty of luke warm yoghurt and direct your jet of sick into a basin."

How to tell if you have the winter vomiting virus – a four point guide from The Daily Mash:

1. Are you vomiting?
2. Are you still vomiting?
3. Are you thinking that you're never going to stop vomiting?
4. Are you now wallowing in a terrifyingly huge amount of vomit?

You have the winter vomiting virus. Well done.