EVERYTHING you have ever been told is a colossal lie and the global economy is a $100 trillion fraud, it was confirmed last night.
Experts said everyone you come into contact with is trying to con you, but stressed you’re one to talk because you’re trying to con everyone else.
And they warned the lying would continue indefinitely as nobody would be able to stop lying because everyone would just assume that was a lie and so they may as well just keep on lying.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Essentially our entire socio-economic system is what we call a ‘pyramid scheme’, also known as a ‘Poncey scheme’ or a ‘bunch of ponces’.
“All types of credit and investments are, of course, based on utter lies. Meanwhile everything you buy in the shops is worth about one tenth what you paid for it and bears no relation to the advert, which was obviously a lie from start to finish.
“All the major professions are lying to you constantly, your friends despise you, there was no Jesus, there is no global warming and there was no moon landing. But it wasn’t faked either, work that one out.
“And you’re at it too. Last Thursday you claimed to have a ‘stomach bug’. Bollocks. Shut up, yes it was.
“And even when you’re at work you do as little as possible and spend the rest of your day concocting a series of elaborate excuses, before going to the pub and lying your face off. But it’s okay, because so does absolutely everyone else.”
He added: “And now you’re thinking that all of this is a lie. Well I can assure it isn’t. Or is it? Or isn’t it? Or is it?”