Everything Now A Huge Lie

EVERYTHING you have ever been told is a colossal lie and the global economy is a $100 trillion fraud, it was confirmed last night.

Experts said everyone you come into contact with is trying to con you, but stressed you’re one to talk because you’re trying to con everyone else.

And they warned the lying would continue indefinitely as nobody would be able to stop lying because everyone would just assume that was a lie and so they may as well just keep on lying.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Essentially our entire socio-economic system is what we call a ‘pyramid scheme’, also known as a ‘Poncey scheme’ or a ‘bunch of ponces’.

“All types of credit and investments are, of course, based on utter lies. Meanwhile everything you buy in the shops is worth about one tenth what you paid for it and bears no relation to the advert, which was obviously a lie from start to finish.

“All the major professions are lying to you constantly, your friends despise you, there was no Jesus, there is no global warming and there was no moon landing. But it wasn’t faked either, work that one out.

“And you’re at it too. Last Thursday you claimed to have a ‘stomach bug’. Bollocks. Shut up, yes it was.

“And even when you’re at work you do as little as possible and spend the rest of your day concocting a series of elaborate excuses, before going to the pub and lying your face off. But it’s okay, because so does absolutely everyone else.”

He added: “And now you’re thinking that all of this is a lie. Well I can assure it isn’t. Or is it? Or isn’t it? Or is it?”

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Barclay Brothers To Move Private Island To Maldives

THE billionaire Barclay twins are to move their private island from the Channel Islands to the Maldives due to a combination of being in a huff and tax reasons.

Sir David and Sir Frederick secretly moved the SS Brecqhou, their gigantic island-shaped boat, to the English Channel in 1993 and then paid to have all the maps changed so everyone would think it was a real place.

Their latest move comes after the inhabitants of nearby Sark rejected the twins' plan to hollow out the centre of the island, in favour of capturing a virgin policeman and burning him to death inside a giant wicker cage.

A spokesman said: "They considered the Blofeld option of just killing everyone, but instead decided to lift anchor and steam for the Maldives."

He added: "Once there they intend to negotiate with the local population by poisoning them and then showing them the antidote."

According to their official biographer the brothers were mysteriously born on the same day in 1934. They made their fortune in the 1960s by kidnapping children and turning them into soap and garden ornaments.

They eventually settled in the Channel Islands attracted by its temperate climate, beneficial corporate tax regime and the breeding capabilities of its chunky women.

For the last 15 years the Barclays have mated local teenage girls with pigs and wolves to create a new type of pepper salami, exclusively for Waitrose.