Fairytale romances now include philandering

TIMELESS love stories can now begin with extra-marital boning, it has been confirmed.

As Charles and Camilla celebrate a decade of their inspiring, heart-melting marriage, romance experts confirmed that boning someone else behind your wife’s back is now part of the dream.

Romantic novelist Susan Traherne said: “These lovebirds are still as besotted with each other as they were over ten years ago, when Charles already had a princess but was still fucking Camilla on the side.

“The conventional sort of romance, where the handsome prince is not already in a legally and spiritually binding arrangement, is just for old ladies and prudes who will die with their hymens intact.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “It is special. Their love has inspired me to start shagging my friend’s wife.

“Hopefully that will end with us both living in a big castle, we’ll see.”

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Tories promise to use next lot of Trident missiles

THE Tories have pledged to spend £100bn on a new batch of nuclear weapons and use them.

The party claimed taxpayers were ‘sick and tired’ of money being spent on gigantic, deadly missiles that just get carried around in a submarine.

Defence secretary Michael Fallon said: “The British want to show off their nuclear weapons. They want them to be more pro-active, thereby delivering both excitement and far greater value for money.”

He added: “We pledge to use one of the missiles every two years. It will be a national holiday – a day for celebration, pride in our country and the total annihilation of somewhere else.

“Perhaps understandably, people will want to know where we intend to direct these missiles.

“Mexico, Denmark and Scotland.”