Fergie returns to Windsor Castle to pilfer leftovers

THE Duchess of York is back at the royal wedding venue stuffing canapes into a bin bag, it has been confirmed.

Fergie arrived at Windsor Castle this morning claiming she had dropped an earring, but was later found cramming savouries and fruit into a plastic bag.

She said: “So far I’ve got half a roast chicken, a shitload of cheese and a massive bunch of grapes. I mean, it’d be a shame if it all went to waste.

“I’ll probably give it to charity or something, depending on how it goes.”

Fergie added: “I found some little pastry things with prawns on too, but I think prawns can be a bit dodgy if they’re left out.

“I’ll give one to a corgi and see what happens.”

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Queen manically texting to find out what the hell she did last night

THE Queen is frantically texting friends, family and courtiers to find out what the hell she got up to while blackout drunk last night. 

So far, HRH Elizabeth II has texted Victoria Beckham, Princess Eugenie and the Dowager Countess of Carnarvon reading: ‘Hey! Great time last night! Where did we end up? Having a few memory problems LOL’, without reply. 

Her Majesty said: “It’s nothing I’m sure. Everyone wakes up like this after a night on the sauce.  

“Except I do have these flashes of leading a conga, and telling Serena Williams to shut up and get her arse out, and oh God were we doing shots of the 1818 Armagnac. Shit. Officially that belongs to the nation. 

“And I think I might have really tested that bearskin guard thing where they’re not allowed to react. Like really tested. Like flashed one. 

“Still nobody will say anything and if they do I’ll have them imprisoned for sedition, so I reckon I’ve got away with it. Fuck, my head.” 

The reigning monarch was then surprised to see James Blunt emerging from her private bathroom wearing nothing but a towel.