NOT all bears are created equal. Some are stone f**king cold dudes, and others are the unloved frontman for Children in Need. Here they are ranked:
Sooty’s packing heat in the form of a water pistol and can do magic, actual magic, like an ursine Gandalf. When he’s not making life hell for humans Sooty passes the time by casually bullying Sweep for his own amusement. Plus you never hear him talk, which is excellently cool.
Christopher Robin’s best friend lives that swag life. Rolls out of bed whenever he wants and spends the day cock out overindulging his substance of choice: honey. Selling out to Disney dinged his street cred a bit, but in AA Milne’s books he’s an ice motherf**ker.
Paddington is so uncool he’s gone full circle and become cool again. A hipster Peruvian in a swish London pad who’d pop out the claws and take you down if you messed with him, safe in the knowledge that nobody would ever suspect sweet little old Paddington Bear.
Yogi has all the potential to be a cool bear. He dresses sharp like Don Draper and lives a life of picnic basket-stealing felony. But then you realise that, like the Fonz hanging with Ritchie, he only looks cool because he’s with that asshole Boo-Boo. Speaking in rhyme doesn’t help.
Rupert Bear gets into it with dragons and shit, but he’s too scupulously middle class to be cool. When not narrowly escaping Bill Badger he’s probably writing lengthy comments on the Guardian website and making his own hummus. And even bears can’t make yellow check trousers look good.
Sure, Pudsey Bear works for a good cause, but it’s impossible to find his gormless, bandaged face cool. With one eye permanently covered up his depth perception will be f**ked, so he’s probably bumping into shit all the time too. Even the dweebish SuperTed pretends he hasn’t seen Pudsey’s texts.